Emotionally Destructive Marriage course Chptr 1 – BB

~ Dear God It’s ME:3M

Evaluation: (answer Often, Sometimes, Seldom, Never)

  1. My spouse calls me names, such as stupid or worthless, or uses sexually degrading terms.                                                   SELDOM
  2. My spouse mocks of belittles me.      OFTEN
  3. My spouse tells me no one else would ever want me as a partner.  NEVER
  4. My spouse pressures me to do things I do not want to do.     SELDOM
  5. My spouse threatens to leave me.    SOMETIMES
  6. My spouse uses the Bible to criticize me or to get me to do something he wants me to do.    OFTEN
  7. My spouse tells me who I may have as friends.   SOMETIMES
  8. My spouse dictates how often I can see/talk with my family of origin.  SELDOM
  9. My spouse undermines me with our children.  HIS CHILDREN, SOMETIMES
  10. My spouse speaks poorly of me to our children. HIS CHILDREN, SOMETIMES
  11. My spouse speaks poorly about me to others (his family, friends, neighbors, church people.) HIS FAMILY AND FRIENDS: OFTEN
  12. I don’t feel free to challenge my husband or disagree with him. OFTEN
  13. If I don’t agree with my husband or do what he wants, I have a price to pay. OFTEN
  14. My spouse breaks things around the house when he is angry or upset.NEVER
  15. My spouse screams and curses me. NEVER
  16. When I tell my husband my deepest feelings, he laughs at me, ignores me, or uses them against me.   OFTEN
  17. My spouse disregards my needs. ALWAYS OFTEN
  18. My spouse tells me I can’t live without him. SELDOM
  19. My spouse badgers me until I give in to his demands. SOMETIMES
  20. My spouse calls me or texts me frequently wanting to know where I am, what I am doing, and who I am with. NEVER, HE DOESN’T CARE ENOUGH TO DO IT EVER
  21. My spouse monitors my e-mails, social media, and Internet use. NEVER
  22. My souse accuses me of things I did not do. SOMETIMES – I DID NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED, I AM NOT NIT PICKING OR BADGERING HIM
  23. My spouse demands my attention when I am busy with something or someone else. SELDOM
  24. My spouse does not like it when I get positive attention or affirmation from other people – friends, family, church, work. NEVER
  25. My spouse tells me I cannot tell anyone what happens between us. SOMETIMES, HE IS GONG NUTS OVER ME BEING IN COUNSELLING
  26. My spouse uses sarcasm and ridicule to get me to stop talking or to change my mind about something. SOMETIMES
  27. My spouse refuses to listen to my point of view. OFTEN
  28. My spouse blows up when I ask questions about why he did something. OFTEN
  29. My spouse physically restrains me to keep me from leaving a volatile situation. NEVER
  30. My spouse has threatened to harm me. NEVER
  31. My spouse uses physical force to get me to do something he wants me to do or to stop doing something he doesn’t want me to do. NEVER
  32. My spouse has injured me. NEVER PHYSICALLY
  33. My spouse threatens to harm thins that are important to me (children, pets, property, and reputation.) NEVER
  34. My spouse uses physical force to coerce me sexually. NEVER
  35. My spouse withdraws from me if I don’t do what he wants. OFTEN
  36. My spouse refuses to respond when I ask him questions. OFTEN
  37. My spouse changes the subject when I try to bring up something that’s bothering me. OFTEN
  38. My spouse ignores me for long periods of time. OFTEN
  39. My spouse refuses to engage or participate in everyday family life. SOMETIMES
  40. My spouse plays mind games with me. OFTEN
  41. My spouse tells me that he’s the one who is being mistreated by me. OFTEN
  42. My spouse says the problems in our marriage are all my fault. OFTEN “MARRIAGE SHOULDN’T BE THIS HARD.” “I TOOK THE MARRIAGE COURSE I KNOW ALREADY”
  43. My spouse acts one way in public and another way at home. SOMETIMES
  44. There is a double standard around what’s acceptable behavior. he gives himself more leeway that he gives me. OFTEN
  45. My spouse refuses to tell me how much money he earns. OFTEN – HOW MUCH WE REALLY HAVE
  46. I have no voice regarding how our finances are saved or spent. SOMETIMES
  47. I have no idea what my husband does with our money even though I’ve asked. SELDOM, ALTHOUGH I DO NOT GET A REAL PICTURE, HE WILL ONLY SHOW ME WHAT IS ENTERED INTO THE CHECK BOOK, HE TELLS ME ABOUT THE PETTY CASH, BUT IT DOESN’T ALWAYS ADD UP.
  48. My spouse tells me things that I know are not true. OFTEN, I AM JUST STARTING TO NOTICE
  49. My spouse omits information that keeps me from knowing the whole story about something. OFTEN
  50. My spouse lies to other people (children, work colleagues, friends, church, family, IRS, police.) SOMETIMES
  51. I feel crazy in my marriage. OFTEN
  52. I feel trapped in my marriage.SOMETIMES
  53. I don’t feel I can be myself in my marriage. OFTEN, HE HAS ME CHANGE: ‘I KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU.” “STOP BEING SO SILLY WITH THE KIDS.”
  54. I feel like a child in my marriage. SOMETIMES
  55. I feel like his mother in my marriage. NEVER
  56. I feel tense around my spouse. SOMETIMES
  57. I feel angry around my spouse. OFTEN
  58. I feel afraid around my spouse. SELDOM
  59. My children are afraid of my spouse, NEVER, THEY JUST DO NOT LIKE HIM, DO NOT TRUST HIM
  60. I feel physically ill around my spouse. ULCER COUNT? OFTEN
  61. I am using medications, excess food, and/or alcohol to cope with my marriage. ULCER MEDS, DIET
  • OFTEN=           25
  • SOMETIMES= 17
  • SELDOM=          6
  • NEVER=            13
  • 1-28 describe various characteristics of emotionally abusive relationship: belittling, humiliating, badgering, controlling, undermining, and threatening.                                        O=9, SO=9, SE=4, N=6
  • 20-24 indicate jealousy and inappropriate dependency, which leads to being destructive           O=0, SO=2, SE=1, N=2
  • 29-34 describe physically abusive tactics used to express displeasure or force                   O=0, SO=0, SE=0, N=6
  • 35-39 looks for more covert indicators of emotional abuse, not so obvious, very effective, indicate gross indifference to the feelings and needs of spouse, destructive to marriage.    O=4, SO=1, SE=0, N=0
  • 40-44 vague area of crazy making where you can’t define what is abusive, mind games, refusal to engage, and blaming me leaving me confused and uncertain.                                 O=4, SO=1, SE=0, N=0
  • 45-47 describe coercive control with respect to family finances                                                   O=1, SO=1, SE=1, N=0
  • 48-50 describe deceit, which breaks trust and destroys the very foundation of marriage    O=2, SO=1, SE=0, N=0
  • 51-61 my response to what is happening in my marriage. Some are more resilient
  1. SELDOM
  2. OFTEN
  3. NEVER
  4. SELDOM
  5. SOMETIMES
  6. OFTEN
  7. SOMETIMES
  8. SELDOM
  9. SOMETIMES
  10. SOMETIMES
  11. OFTEN
  12. OFTEN
  13. OFTEN
  14. NEVER
  15. NEVER
  16. OFTEN
  17. OFTEN
  18. SOMETIMES
  19. NEVER
  20. NEVER
  21. SOMETIMES
  22.  SELDOM
  23. NEVER
  24. SOMETIMES
  25. SOMETIMES
  26. SOMETIMES
  27. OFTEN
  28. OFTEN *
  29. NEVER
  30. NEVER
  31. NEVER
  32. NEVER
  33. NEVER
  34. NEVER *
  35. OFTEN *
  36. OFTEN
  37. OFTEN
  38. OFTEN
  39. SOMETIMES *
  40. OFTEN*
  41. OFTEN
  42. OFTEN
  43. SOMETIMES
  44. OFTEN*
  45. OFTEN*
  46. SOMETIMES
  47. SELDOM*
  48. OFTEN*
  49. OFTEN
  50. SOMETIMES*
  51. OFTEN*
  52. SOMETIMES
  53. OFTEN
  54. SOMETIMES
  55. SOMETIMES
  56. SOMETIMES
  57. OFTEN
  58. SELDOM
  59. NEVER
  60. OFTEN
  61. OFTEN

 

Leave a comment