Some days it fits like a freight train, the emptiness of my heart, home, and life. Yesterday I was laughing, it felt good to laugh, I though “hey, I am laughing! This is nice.” Today I wonder why he won’t take even a speck of blame. I sent him a brief note 2 weeks ago forgiving him for his other “women friendships” and for the money he took. His rebutted was a letter stating he was confused, I was “it”, he is innocent, I knew he had trust issues, he didn’t have sex with M., and all that sex talk was just talk and I should know better. Not once mentioning he loved me or that I was the one because of love. Was the fact he controlled me the only reason he wanted me around? At our commitment ceremony he would not even look up to say his vows, that morning he wrote Wanda a letter saying those nights they spent in each others arms – recently – meant everything to him, those special things he shared with her were meant only for her, he would forever cherish her and keep her picture. WTH!!!!! Edie wrote asking my schedule so she could come give him pleasure. Innocent? Yet my heart bleeds and I want to know WHY I let this abusive man hurt me. I am so angry.
Here it is end of June and I am in a much better place. I wrote Ed a very detailed easy print letter, in very simple language – 4th grade level, so he would understand… “YOu always said the tongue is mightier than the sword, and you used yours to murder me and murder us. You said I was IT, if I was IT why did you continually say “I am not in love with you” “I lost my desire for you” both from week one after our commitment ceremony, If I was IT why did you repeat over and over “I can’t stand being around you” “I’m not listening to you” “this is what you’re doing, this is what I want you to do” (having his hands make the talking vs shut mouth signs.) If I was IT why did you refuse to marry me. Why did you keep saying it was up to me whether I made it to heaven and you were only concerned for yourself. ETC…. SOOOOO a few weeks later I received a thick letter from him and I had it stamped “Rejected” and returned unopened. I felt nothing! I most certainly did not want his poison to seep out of that letter into me. I knew I was finished, done, over him. Yesterday I got a one page letter from him saying “you returned the letter, now you will never know what I wrote.” DUH! He is still playing games. and he wonders why he goes through more women than an artist doing nudes.
I have such a grace filled blessed life, even here in the fire. God fills me with His love and despite the pain – I know My Father loves me. My Daddy is refining me and purifying me. He strengthens my faith. He grants me wisdom and discernment and the gifts of The Holy Spirit – which are better than the flowers, cards, and little notes I had so desired. Thank You God for the losses in my life – so that in my agony I saw Your face and felt Your arms wrap tightly around me. In my loneliness – You gathered me in Your arms and You cried WITH me. How can I thank You enough for the pain and for unanswered prayers and mountains unmovable? I love you beyond all love, You are my Sweet Breath of fresh air in this stale world of sin, I need You like I need the air. Your burdens are light and easy to carry, I rejoice You chose me to carry them. Abba, walk with me always and let me remember the joyful reasons I carry this load. Oh how I love you, My Daddy, My Lover, My All! Thank You for my life; My God! Amen and Amen
Thank You God for butterflies, hummingbirds, lady bugs, rainbows, elephants, dinosaurs, mushrooms, snails, and horses 🙂 For lilacs, hyacinths, sunflowers, roses, crocuses, snowdrops, dandelion blows. For corn field mazes and tall wheat fields. For rivers and fishing poles. For wood fences to walk on. For wood burning stoves and log cabins. Thank You God for covered bridges and caves and tunnels. For igloos and snowmen and snow angels and snowball fights. For curly hair and braids. For tree forts, tree houses and swing sets and rope tire swings. For antiques and genealogy. For books and imaginations, art and photography, for poems. For the song Amazing Grace. Thank You God for tears and laughter, pain and joy, for feelings and emotions. Thank You God for wisdom. Thank You for my grandparents, parents, siblings, husbands, and for My Children, My Grandchildren, friends, pets, pine cones, crafts, and plastic Christmas trees. Thank You for snow days, rainy gray days, warm sunny days and the wind. Fresh mowed hay, watermelon seeds to spit, corn shucking, grain stalks, and sea shells. Thank You God for all the different types of rocks and sand and clouds. Thank You for Gena’s “Ketchup,” Yvonne’s quick humor, Ben’s deep sensitive heart. All their creativity, brains, and huge hearts. Thank You for soil to dig my hands into, for worms, for seeds, for gardening, for chickens and barns and silos. Thank You God for Redwood and Sequoia and Bonsai trees, for whales and elephant seals, for blue ice bergs and Joshua Trees, Red Rock Canyon, Grand Canyon, Meteor Craters, the Petrified Forest, and the face on the moon. Thank You for the Pyramids, Stone Hedge, Easter Island, Aztec and Mayan Ruins, and the Sphinx. Thank You God for Israel and Jerusalem and the Alps. Thank You God for countless stars that challenge our imaginations, for shooting stars and ocean waves, for mirages and sand dunes. For starfish and conches, Hermit crabs are fun to watch too. Thank You God that my children share my total amazement at life and my creative imagination and problem solving ways. Lord, Thank You most for My Most Precious Children!!! Each more special than any other ever EVAR born. If I were to make or create them, I could not have done a more perfect job. My Genevieve. My Benjamin. My Yvonne. My Masterpieces. Thank You God!!! You are PERFECT, giving me only the best. Now You give to My Most Precious – their own Most Precious Perfect Children – My Grandchildren. Thank You God!!!!
When I asked you: “Why DID you marry me?” You said, over and over: “because you’re trainable.” Because I am trainable. Like a pet monkey, circus seal, or dog, I am trainable. I am not even a human in your eyes, just a pet to serve you. You said “I had to marry you quick before you figured it out.” I was so naive, shame on you!!!!! A grown man, carefully seeking, calculating, plotting to demise of a trusting soul. Then YOU are the animal, pouncing and devouring your prey. That is a sign of deep routed insecurity and narcissistic behavior, all about you and ONLY you. Do you realize how you made me cry, night after night, in the car alone, in the shower? Do you even care? Do you know that God stood there right with me, He was crying as well at the pain you inflicted on His Daughter. That is who I am, you promised to take care of me and cherish me, God expected you to obey Him and keep your word to Him; and you broke your vow to God. You intentionally chose to hurt His Daughter.
names are changed, any resemblance to reality is purely coincidental.
A letter, another letter I wrote. I may write a lot until I am purged of it all. ……………….. E, You disrespected me and tore me to shreds. Adultery is not just a physical sex, it is emotional sharing of your self with another – this should have been in our marriage ONLY. Everytime you have sex with someone you are making a soul connection with her and this dishonors God, you are spitting on God and His sanctity of marriage. You have slept with so many, even just since you and I started dating. I have not even looked at or thought of another man since the day I first laid eyes on you. I was committed to you and only you alone. You chose – prefer to talk to Donna, Ash, Linda, Wanda, E, D, Jean, Michele, Michelle – over me and when I asked how you were, what’s up, how are your kids and grandkids, tell me what’s going on in your life… you refused to talk to me and said “I don’t feel like repeating myself.” You cut me off so early in our marriage. You let them all say what ever they wanted to say about me, and even to me and never once did you come to my defense, you even let your grandchildren and sister talk to me in a disrespectful way and never said anything. You never once, not one time defended me. Even when your precious MsM called me a “fucking asshole” your response was an impassioned “oh well.” You didn’t even get upset, not appalled, no sign that you were upset anyone would call your wife such a horrible name. You defended her, though! “She need me, she has no one to talk to.” “Michele is the victim in all this, she lost her best friend the day we got married.” “She needs me.” “You shouldn’t talk badly about her.” “She is lost without me.” “I have to help her, no one else will, she won’t listen to anyone else.” How about how she treats your wife?!!?!?!?!?!? You were so angry at me for not allowing you and her to be “best friends and get together for coffee and talks as best friends.” My mother was rushed to the ER with system shutdown that day, you would not allow me to talk to you about my mom, and wouldn’t even hug or support me, and yelled “No, go away, leave me alone! I don’t want to see you!” Each word emphasized. You fiercely defended your rights to be friends with and spend time with any woman you wanted, that you were not doing anything wrong and that I had a problem and should get over it, that I was insecure. You never ever got to know me, or you would know that before you I was not insecure! I was happy, joyful about life, secure with myself. You kept saying “I know you better than you know yourself” and described this person who was not only not me, but not even close to being me. I think it was an amalgamation of your mom, who you still are angry with for rejecting you, and your ex wife, who you abused and she left. You did not try to get to know me, not once did you look at photo albums, ask about my past, ask about my favorite color, flower, food, you didn’t ask about my hopes and dreams, my fears, my aspirations. It was all about YOU, how can I serve you. Did you ever care even one time about who I was? Or was it all about having a money source until you were ready to go back to Michele to live with when her kids were old enough; and have her as your playmate in the meantime. Does she know you are also fooling around with Linda and Wanda and Edie?
I asked you once to tell me three things that cause you to be uncomfortable with me: You said: “Just be yourself not a cheap imitation, don’t embellish, just stick to the facts, stop being so insecure it drives me nuts, stop turning things on me, I don’t like switchery, stop nit picking, stop saying “you always”, stop being so needy, stop thinking about sex all the time, be more serious, you are too demanding and hard to live with, you could lose weight, you are too loud, I prefer elegant ladies,….. perhaps I don’t like the real you!” “Perhaps I don’t like the real you.” later turned to “I don’t like who you are” and “I can’t stand being around you.”
You banned me from talking, for the last few years, oh heck, since the wedding band went on I would talk and you would say “I’m not listening, I am…” fill in the excuse, they were all lame and hurtful. Then when I talked you would say “this is what you are doing (making your hand do the talking motion) this is what I want you to do (make your hand do the closed mouth motion.)” Your favorite line was “there is a time and place for …(fill in the blank)…. and this is NOT it.” From the moment we awoke until you turned your back to me to sleep, I was denied kisses, “I love you”, talking, questions, talking about my day, just about anything…. You were not “in love with me” and were not shy about letting me know. You loved me, but not as much as your children or family. You let me know that too. You cut me off from my own family, putting them down and saying I should “leave them alone, stop bugging them, they will hate you if you keep interfering with their lives,” you also cut my birth family to shreds. I never spoke ill about your kids, grand kids, and family. You were nasty about mine, you had nasty things to say about all of them, from my father and mother down to the youngest infant. You are just a nasty man. I have never met anyone so insecure with himself that he has to demean and abuse the sweetest giving person he could find, making me feel like I was unworthy of anyone, unworthy of love, unworthy to live…just so you could feel better about being a nasty controlling unhappy insecure man. I seriously think you have a manic bipolar schizophrenic personality disorder, you told me you are bilpolar and refuse to take your meds. You need those meds. You tell me how sweet you are, and liked … but so was Jeffry Dahlmer.
I am the best thing that will ever happen to you, your friends say that too, and have sought me out to apologize about what you did, they have seen you do similar to women before, a total lack of respect for women, thinking they are to serve you and do not have any value as humans. You tell them I am the worst thing to ever happen to you. You will eat those words!
There are curses on your family, you have spoken them yourself, they are not from me. You cursed your own children and grandchildren. You have poisoned your whole family, an laid upon them a multi generational curse. God can lift it, but you are playing games with God too. You think you can live anyway you want, apologize to God, and repeat over and over again and still go to Heaven based on grace. You better be darn sure about the extent of grace when you purposely push God away. Hell is for eternity, eternity to remember finding your son ODd, seeing your other son in a coffin after he ODd, remembering all the wort times of your life over and over and over and over. Remembering your family and never seeing them, only seeing the worst memories of them and any horrible lie satan throws at you are you burn. You spoke curses over our relationship the day you lied to me that we were really married, when you said you had no concern whether or not I went to heaven, the day you curse my family down to my youngest grandchild, and your decision to continue your relationships with all your old girlfriends whom you had had sex with. Your life is a mess! You made it what it is! God will forgive you, but ONLY if you are sincere and make a life changing decision to follow God’s Word, live as God calls you to live.
names are fictional, any resemblance to reality is purely coincidental.
names are fictional, any resemblance to reality is purely coincidental.
4 months later. I am alive. I am still trying to make sense of it all. Why did he betray me? Why did he throw us away? The only thing I did wrong was to get so ill. I am still so heartbroken, I love him so much, even is all his brokenness, i still loved him through it all. Why couldn’t we be broken together? Why did he expect perfection from me? Constantly controlling and criticizing me, why couldn’t he be happy with me? 6 years we were together, the first was full of compliments, telling me how he loved me just as I was, except please grow my hair and braid it. I did, I love him so, I would do anything for him. The following year he took over cooking and taught me how he wanted his house kept. He maintained the things with motors and I made the money that he managed. During that year my bank account was purposely shut down, and he would put me on his in time. Over time we still maintained two separate lives on paper and legal and accounts; he always had a reason for this. I spent years asking him to marry me, he refused, saying we were just fine where we were. It would be a financial disaster for him if we did: he collects STAR program, welfare benefits, and such – I would ruin it for him. Time went on and things got worse, no more flowers (he bought some once in a while – the cheapest he could get at the grocer, the kind he KNOWS I dislike – and only if they were on sale so he could get some for someone else.) Birthdays passed with no presents or cards. If I got a card it was from a charity box that the church gave him. But still I hung in there praying to God for his heart to soften to me, so we could walk as God intended. Husband and wife – united as one. Not as we were united through a commitment ceremony, a farce, spitting in God’s face. I wish I had known all this back when, I was so naive. I was so in love, I was so committed to him. We were under a curse! I think God protected me because I was such a new Christian and praying to do it right, following God’s orders to submit completely to my husband and not understanding he was not my husband. He on the other hand, had completed many ministry courses, including a marriage course. He brought curses to his children and his grandchildren, his choices allowed the walls of protection to come down and for evil to enter his family in the form of drugs, death, alcohol, debauchery, prostitution, homosexuality, theft, prison, poverty, ruination of hopes and dreams,.and death – physical and soul. I am so thankful I prayed for my children and grandchildren, my parents and siblings, my family and friends, and for my future family on down generations. I prayed a simple prayer, a prayer of salvation for them all, for blessings of wisdom, discernment, and peace in all circumstances. My family has come out from under this umbrella of curses, and are coming to the Lord one by one. What a site to see, what a joy for my heart. I love that is is probable I will spend eternity in Heaven with my family that is so dear to me. My heart is still in pain, but in the end I will be forever in peace. These blogs can get a bit disjointed, as I am scattered all over the place with this one story of my last 6 years. My counselors, several professionals have said I was horribly emotionally abused, and on hearing the tapes of him and reading the past letters he wrote to others from the time we started dating, it has been planned, calculated and destructive on his part; it is amazing and a blessing that I was able to escape at all. I have what is called PTSD with Stockholm Syndrome. Praise God I will heal completely. I may never trust another man, ever again, and as much as I deserve to be the Godly submissive wife that I desire – I am in no shape to even talk to a man at this point, I am so afraid of men! I have filled a notebook, now, with healing work from seminars, divorce care, Christian healing courses, and of course my Psychologist’s assignments she gives me each week at my counseling sessions. I work, come home and do the tough work – on myself! I am a mess. But I feel at this point that I still need to spew it all out and look at it all, sort it out, categorize is, make sense of what I am looking at, see what part I played and what part he played. Then move on.
So, we start with last fall, when I signed up to get counseling to be a better wife, more submissive, because he was not happy with me. He said I was “nitpicking” too much. I was puzzled, I was submissive, I have never nitpicked him one single time! I prayed for him, I prayed over him. I prayed!!!! So the counselor sent a form for me to complete:
BRIEFLY ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS
1. What is your problem?
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 4 1/2 YEARS AND THERE ARE ISSUES I WOULD LIKE TO WORK THROUGH, HE FEELS THERE ARE NO ISSUES. IT BEGAN ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT WHEN HE WANTED TO GO TO SLEEP. WE HAD NOT HAD SEX SINCE THE SUMMER BEFORE (I WANTED TO STOP SEX AND BE SURE HE IS THE ONE AND WAIT TIL I AM MARRIED). I FIGURED HE WAS JUST AS HORNY, I WAS WRONG. I CRIED, THE NEXT MORNING HIS BUDDY SHOWED UP AT 7 AM FOR A MOTORCYCLE RIDE, AN ALL DAY RIDE. THE SEX ONLY HAPPENED WHEN I INITIATED, HE REJECTED ME, THEN THE NEXT DAY HE WANTED IT. I WAS CONFUSED AND ANGRY. I DID NOT BEHAVE VERY WELL ABOUT IT. I CRIED A LOT. EVENTUALLY MY HUSBAND SAID “I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENED, I LOST MY DESIRE.” THAT KILLED ME. MY FIRST HUSBAND REJECTED ME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON ME. I FOUND OUT HE STILL MET OLD GIRLFRIENDS FOR COFFEE. HIS SON BECAME A HEROIN USER AND HE SPENT TIME AT HIS EX-WIFES TALKING ABOUT THEIR SON. HE STOPPED SHARING WITH ME, I HEARD STUFF FROM HIS OLD GIRLFRIEND OR OTHERS ABOUT FAMILY MATTERS. I FOUND A WONDERFUL SITE FOR CHRISTIAN WIVES AND THINGS BEGAN TO GET A LITTLE BETTER, THEN HIS SON DIED 14 MONTHS AGO, THIS PAST YEAR HAS BEEN TOUGH, AND I WAS NOT AS SUPPORTIVE AS I COULD HAVE BEEN, AND I WAS. HIS FRIEND INSINUATED HE HAD CHEATED ON ME WITH MICHELLE, THE OLD GIRLFRIEND I TOLD YOU ABOUT. MY HUSBAND HAD ALREADY CHOSE HER SIDE ONE TIME WHEN I ASKED HIM TO STOP BEING HER FRIEND, “I AM THE ONLY ONE SHE LISTENS TO.” WTH!!!!! MY HUSBAND SWEARS IT ISN;T TRUE, I HAD ASKED HIM TIMES OVER THE LAST YEARS IF HE WOULD EVER CHEAT ON ME HE NEVER SAID NO, HE SAID “YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO ASK”,”I’M NOT EVEN ANSWERING THAT QUESTION.” SO SHE STOPS BY AND WANTS TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME SUDDENLY, ONLY MY HUSBAND HAD TOLD ME THAT THE DAY BEFORE, AND THEY USED THE EXACT SAME REHEARSED WORDS. MY EX AND THE GIRL HE LEFT ME FOR DID THE SAME THING.. THEN I SAID NO AND SHE CALLED ME A FUCKING ASSHOLE AND “I’LL SHOW YOU.” MY HUSBAND RESPONDED WHEN I TOLD HIM “OH WELL SHE TALKS TO HER MOTHER THAT WAY, THAT IS JUST HER.” REALLY?????? HE CHOSE HER OVER ME. SO I CHECKED HIS PHONE AND SHE HAD TEXTED ASKING WHY HE HADN’T TEXTED HER, HE TEXTED HE MISSED HER, SHE SAID OK, SHE THEN TEXTED THAT HE SHOULD TELL ME HE WOULD GO TO HIS SON’S HOUSE AND MEET HER. HE SAID “LIZ KNOWS HIS SCHEDULE.” NOW I AM LOOKING AT OLD PHONE RECORDS AND FOUND THEY TALK FOR 10 TO 20 MINUTES AT A TIME. I WORK IN OTHER STATES 3 MONTHS AT A TIME, AND HE COMES WITH. SHE CALLS WHEN I AM AT WORK. HE SWEARS THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS AND I AM PUSHING HIM AWAY WITH MY JEALOUSY. THEN HIS SISTER LIED AND SAID I HAD SAID SOMETHING ABOUT HER DAD, SO NOW MY HUSBAND SAYS HE CA’T TRUST ME AND WILL NOT TELL ME ANYTHING MORE. WHAT HAPPENED IS HIS OTHER SISTER HAD TOLD ME SOMETHING THEIR DAD HAD DONE TO HER, WE WERE TALKING ON THE PORCH AND I REPLIED MY DAD HAD DONE THE SAME THING TO ME, THEN HIS OTHER SISTER CAME ON THE PORCH AND JUST HEARD THE END. I WOULD NEVER SAY ANYTHING TO HER. THE SISTER I HAD TALKED TO MUST HAVE LIED, BECAUSE NOW IT CAME OUT THAT I SAID MY HUSBAND HAD TOLD ME SECRETS AND I CAN’T KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT, I WAS NOT GIVEN A CHANCE TO TELL MY END. THANKSGIVING I MADE GRAVY AND STRAINED THE FAT OFF, I WENT TO THE SINK WITH THE 1/2 LADLE OF FAT AND WAS LOOKING FOR A CONTAINER TO PUT IT IN WHEN THAT SAME SISTER YELLED “YOU CAN’T PUT FAT DOWN THE SINK” AND GAVE ME THE CONTAINER FOR FAT. SHE CARRIED ON AND WHEN THE SINK LEAKED UNDERNEATH SHE FELT AROUND AND SAID FAT WAS COMING OUT. SHE TOLD MY HUSBAND I PUT FAT IN THE SINK, WHEN I TRIED TO EXPLAIN, HE WOULD NOT LISTEN TO ME. HE WAS STILL SO UPSET THAT I HAD PEAKED AT HIS TEXT MESSAGES. I KNOW HE ERASES ANY HE DOES NOT WANT ME TO READ. SO THEN I GOT EVEN WORSE AND CHECKED HIS OLD EMAIL AND FACEBOOK AND FOUND HE HAD BEEN HAVING SEX WITH OTHER WOMEN, ONE ONLINE AND ANOTHER WITH W.C., AND EVEN TALKED TO HER ABOUT HER BEING SPECIAL EVEN THOUGH IT WAS OVER ON OUR WEDDING MORNING. ABOUT OUR WEDDING, I AGREED TO BE MARRIED BY A MINISTER, AND NOT LEGALLY, BUT NOW HE REFUSES FOR FINANCIAL REASONS TO LEGALLY MARRY ME, HE IS ON DISABILITY. THE HOUSE GOES TO HIS KIDS WHEN HE DIES. I KNOW HE HAS MONEY SOMEWHERE, I CAN DO MATH, BUT HE ACTS LIKE HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT, BUT I FOUND IT WHILE SNOOPING. EITHER I AM A FOOL, OR HE REALLY IS NOT CHEATING ON ME, HIS EYES ARE HURT AND TELL ME HE IS REALLY TRUE BLUE, GOING TO HEAVEN IS VERY IMPORTANT TO HIM. BUT HIS KIDS COME BEFORE ME. IT FEELS LIKE HIS SISTERS ALSO COME BEFORE ME. HE DOES NOT TRUST ME, I DO NOT TRUST HIM. HE IS REALLY HAVING A HARD TIME ACCEPTING HIS SON’S DEATH, I HEAR THAT IS COMMON AFTER THE FIRST YEAR ENDS, AND ANOTHER SON IS NOW HOOKED ON HEROIN. LIFE IS PRETTY TOUGH. I HAVE KIDS, BUT MY HUSBAND COMES FIRST. HE WON’T EVEN COME TO MY KIDS PARTIES. AND FOR BIRTHDAY, ANNIVERSARY, ETC HE DOESN’T BUY ME GIFTS. I KNOW I HAVE BEEN CRITICAL TOWARDS HIM ABOUT A LOT.
HANDLED IT ALL WRONG AND DRIVEN MYSELF CRAZY.
I HAVE BEEN PRETTY SELFISH AND DEMANDING ABOUT A LOT, I HAVE DISRESPECTED MY HUSBAND, DOUBTED HIM, BEEN JEALOUS, FEARFUL, UNTRUSTWORTHY, DESTRUCTIVE. I FEEL I HAVE BEEN WRONGED BY HIS NOT PROTECTING ME AS HE SHOULD FROM HIS SISTERS AND EX GIRLFRIEND. HE IS SAD AND ANGRY AND GRIEVING, I NEEDED TO VENT ALL THIS AND NOW TO TALK ABOUT HOW TO HANDLE ME BECOMING A BETTER CHRISTIAN WIFE , TO LEARN TO LEAN ON GOD AND TRUST GOD WILL BE THERE FOR ME. I CANNOT CHANGE MY HUSBAND, ONLY GOD CAN. BUT I SHOULD RESPECT HIM SO HE WILL START TO TRUST ME AGAIN AND START TO TALK TO ME, AND SOMEDAY HAVE SEX WITH HIM INITIATING. SEX IS HUGE FOR ME, I CANNOT SEPARATE IT FROM LOVE. HE SAYS I AM HARD TO LIVE WITH. THE WALLS NEED TO COME DOWN. HE IS SO PATIENT AND QUIET, REFUSES TO LET HIS PEACE WITH GOD BE MESSED WITH. I AM A MESS HERE, I BLAME MY CHILDHOOD AND FIRST HUSBAND. I DON’T EVEN WANT TO BE WITH ME WHEN MY MOUTH OPENS UP AND MY FEAR AND ALL KICK IN. I DO NOT NEED MEDS, I NEED GOD, HOW DO I FEEL HIM AND TRUST AND HEAL?
HAHAHAHA, I THINK THAT IS ENOUGH RIGHT NOW.
So, here I am being treated like pond scum, and I was taking the blame for his actions, I now realize I had no boundaries at all, which is how Stockholm Syndrome works, defend the abuser. My counselor stared in disbelief as I tried to defend this man I had believed to be my husband; and refused to listen as the counselor explained how I was being emotionally abused. His advice: “Run! Get away, I was not married and he would never change and I was in danger.” I was so used to blaming myself for everything, I had heard our entire marriage how I was the one who needed help, I was at fault, he was blameless and if he ever did anything wrong he “would be the first to admit it.” Hahaha. Yeah, right. Another counselor suggested I read “The Emotionally Abusive Marriage” she was all pro marriage and believed nearly any and every marriage could be saved. I waited on pins and needles waiting for the book to come in. BUT just to prove to the male counselor he was SO WRONG, I purchased two tiny recording devices…and right off the bat I heard my “husband” talking to this Michele. Trying to figure out when they could get together for sex, and that I was going for surgery and if they were lucky I would have complications and stay longer in the hospital, so they could have the house to themselves for days. My “love of my life” continued for an hour and a half berating me, tearing me to shreds, telling this woman if I should die “hahahahaha” (yes, he laughed a devious laugh) that he would give my kids a tiny part of the money I had saved up and keep the rest, he told her that he had been siphoning money off me for years and had 15 thousand tucked away in one place and even more elsewhere. He planned on signing his name to my RV Title and selling it. He told her he did not love me, hated my cooking, hated nearly everything I did. He allowed her to degrade me and he laughed about it.
Well, my eyes flew opened! But with all the guns in the house, and the fact he had made mention of them and that I should be careful sneaking around so he doesn’t accidentally shoot me (that was the first of two times he talked like this to me, the second time was the day after surgery, new years eve when I was so snockered on post anesthesia and pain pills and couldn’t even think straight. I left to stay with my daughter after that and only went home to move, I was terrified.) So I had to plan how to leave and how to find out more without firing up his anger, he has that quiet type of anger, he keeps oddly calm and lashes out with a pleasant face, it is terrifying! I read the book, and thank God I did, it opened my eyes even further to the twisted agony I was feeling inside and how emotional abuse works, and how to quietly get out to prevent bodily or more psychological harm. I did keep taping him for a couple weeks, until I had made a plan and was able to pack my as much stuff as was not obvious. I also hid my money and my Titles to my vehicles, and well as my jewelry. The taping allowed me to hear how deep his hate and disrespect for me went, how he just couldn’t stand being around me, and he laughed about it! He was also saying that to me a lot at home “I can’t stand being around you! I gotta get away from you! I can’t stand you!” I heard as his friends tried to reason with him, and as they said his behavior is what drove his ex-wife away, and that he was going to lose me. He did not care. I heard as he told his family that he didn’t love me, hated my cooking, hated just about everything about me, except he loved my money and right now I was not working and useless to him. He didn’t even remember that I was too ill to work, he acted like I was doing this on purpose. My Agape Love for him, my enduring love and desire to please him, my deepest desire to stay with him and serve him until the day I died vanished! He had committed the biggest offense against marriage: he adulterated and gave his heart and soul away to someone else, someone who is lose and easy, whom he had been having an affair with our entire marriage: mental as well as physical. The mental affair hurt me the most. I can’t fight that. All those prayers, all that work, all the sacrifice was for nothing! Well, prayers are never for nothing, God stood there next to me crying as well, hurting with me in all my pain. 7 days after my surgery I grabbed what I could and I moved into a home for women. I tried to go back (with police) but was unable to get much more. He told the police rightly that it was his house, we were not married, and he would not let me have anything more. And he had cut the power from the garage so I couldn’t see anything to get it, and he refused to allow me in the house. So he got my truck, close to $20 thousand of my dollars, my furniture, TV, Roku, computers, books, memories, towels, dishes, you name it…I was starting from scratch. I got to have my clothes, a few items, a little money I had stashed away, the Titles to my car, motorcycle, and RV (which he stripped the inside of my stuff.) I also got to take away my torn, shredded, broken heart … which is still bleeding and painful. I get to keep my love for him, despite it all – before judging, please read up on Stockholm Syndrome.
I wrote him a letter and mailed it: