Some days it hits like a freight train

Some days it fits like a freight train, the emptiness of my heart, home, and life. Yesterday I was laughing, it felt good to laugh, I though “hey, I am laughing! This is nice.” Today I wonder why he won’t take even a speck of blame. I sent him a brief note 2 weeks ago forgiving him for his other “women friendships” and for the money he took. His rebutted was a letter stating he was confused, I was “it”, he is innocent, I knew he had trust issues, he didn’t have sex with M., and all that sex talk was just talk and I should know better. Not once mentioning he loved me or that I was the one because of love. Was the fact he controlled me the only reason he wanted me around? At our commitment ceremony he would not even look up to say his vows, that morning he wrote Wanda a letter saying those nights they spent in each others arms – recently – meant everything to him, those special things he shared with her were meant only for her, he would forever cherish her and keep her picture. WTH!!!!! Edie wrote asking my schedule so she could come give him pleasure. Innocent? Yet my heart bleeds and I want to know WHY I let this abusive man hurt me. I am so angry.

Here it is end of June and I am in a much better place. I wrote Ed a very detailed easy print letter, in very simple language – 4th grade level, so he would understand… “YOu always said the tongue is mightier than the sword, and you used yours to murder me and murder us. You said I was IT, if I was IT why did you continually say “I am not in love with you” “I lost my desire for you” both from week one after our commitment ceremony, If I was IT why did you repeat over and over “I can’t stand being around you” “I’m not listening to you” “this is what you’re doing, this is what I want you to do” (having his hands make the talking vs shut mouth signs.) If I was IT why did you refuse to marry me. Why did you keep saying it was up to me whether I made it to heaven and you were only concerned for yourself. ETC….    SOOOOO a few weeks later I received a thick letter from him and I had it stamped “Rejected” and returned unopened. I felt nothing! I  most certainly did not want his poison to seep out of that letter into me. I knew I was finished, done, over him. Yesterday I got a one page letter from him saying “you returned the letter, now you will never know what I wrote.” DUH! He is still playing games.  and he wonders why he goes through more women than an artist doing nudes.

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