IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL, SERMON BB. JUNE 6, 2017

IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL
Acapella One Verse:
When peace like a river, attendith my wake,
When sorrows like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, It is well with my soul.
It is well, with my soul, it is well it is well with my soul.
Opening prayer:
Thank you Lord! Praise you Lord!
Father please let the words that are about to come out of my mouth be only from you. Direct Your words to the hungry, the hurt, and those in need of Your comfort. Amen.
Main Sermon:
Shalom aleikhem! That is Hebrew for Peace unto you.
Did you ever feel like you were a survivor of a plane crash, and you ended up on a desert island, wondering what happened to your life, your dreams, your peace?  This was not how you planned your life. How can you cope and make sense of what happened to you? We live in a time where stress, emotional turmoil, unhappiness, and especially depression is pressing in all around us. Most people seem to be at a loss as to how to cope. How to find comfort. How to seek peace and wholeness. You cannot find peace and wholeness through man’s way alone: antidperessants, ADHD meds, or pain meds. You  most definently will not find contentment and fulfilment by using crystals, fortune tellers, gambling, alcohol, illegal drugs, immoral relationships, overeating, over exercising, filling your time up with silly stuff, internet, or TV. Only through God will you find what you truly need.
Psalm 103:13 “the Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him.”
Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted, binding their wounds.”
Psalm 18:2 “the Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the strength of my salvation, and my stronghold.”
Philippians 4 states “be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God. Then the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Even if it seems God is not answering your prayers, be patient, be at peace. God answers all your prayers, even if the answer is “NO!” God cannot give you what you pray for if it does not produce peace and wholeness in God.
Isaiah 43:2 God further promises us “when you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you . For I am the Lord, your god, the Holy One of Israel, you Savior.”
In 2 Kings 4 God granted a son to a barren Shunammite woman. Years later this son fell, hit his head and died in his mother’s arms. Quickly she had her servant saddle up their horse and quickly rode to the hill of Mount Carmel to find the man of God to heal her son. On the way when asked “IS it well with thee? Is it well with thy husband? Is it well with the child? She answered “It is well.” This mother could have grieved, but instead chose to speak words of life, words of a promise from God to each of us, if we lean onto and into Him: “It is well.” Through God and on her faith the prophet Elisha was able to raise the child to life.
No matter what happens God gives us the grace to do it. God – our eternal security, He knows the end from the beginning, so we should not be anxious for anything. God gives us peace. A wholeness, not just a lack of conflict. Jesus promised “My peace I give unto you.” This is Jesus saying I do not give you worldly peace – which is just the removal of bad circumstances, Jesus gives us HIS peace, which is eternal in the face of all circumstances.
The writer of “It Is Well With My Soul” Horatio Spafford and his wife Anna found peace and wholeness despite horrible tragedy. Spafford was a successful businessman in the middle 1800s, his wife, 4 daughters, and one son had everything they wanted. Their only son died of pneumonia in 1871 and the next year the great Chicago fire destroyed most of his fortune and used what was left to help trying to rebuild Chicago and help the thousands of homeless people who had nothing.  In 1873 Horatio sent his family on a vacation to escape the stress. The luxury liner the Ville Du Havre sank taking all his daughters, his wife Anna was found floating on debris and survived. She cabled home to her husband “saved alone, what shall I do?” Horatio took the next the cold black swells of the water. That night he wrote the words to “It is well with my soul.” Horatio and Anna Spafford moved to Jerusalem, had 3 more children and dedicated their lives to saving the needy, homeless, helpless and orphans in the place where Jesus had lived.
Psalm 71:20 promises us God may have “allowed me to suffer much hardship, but He will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth.” This verse not only applies to us, but to Jesus Himself when He walked the earth. In John 13:21 Jesus was anxious, said before going to the cross: “I am troubled in spirit.” over being betrayed. Again in John 12:27 Jesus states “My soul is troubled, and what shall I say? ‘Father save me for this hour? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour.'” One last time Jesus showed worry when he said, in Matthew 26:39 “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me.” God gives us all the grace to go through every circumstance in our own life at the time you go through it. Jesus was able to submit Himself fully to God, and what a blessing to us all that He did.
In Psalm 46:1-2 we are promised that “God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not fear, even if earthquakes come and the mountains crumble to the sea.” Seek after God and He will bring you the peace and wholeness you seek.
I started this sermon by pronouncing over you: Shalom Aleikhem! The word shalom means “peace” as well as tranquility, contentment, comfort, integrity, and wholeness. Aleikhem means “unto you,” so the expression means “Peace unto you.” Not just peace, but a deeper meaning of a strong connection with wholeness. Not just a quiet spirit or happiness or things going well in your life, but a sense of wholeness that everything is in order in your life, as God intended it to be.  The fruit of the Holy Spirit is peace.   “Peace with God, an inner peace, a spirit that is not restless or troubled, being at peace with our situations, with our circumstances. That does not necessarily mean that our circumstances have changed to give us peace. It means we have become at peace with our circumstances.”
Isaiah 26 “Thou will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee.” As we keep our hearts and minds fixed on Jesus, He will give us that peace within ourselves. Shalom Aleikhem!

Some days it hits like a freight train

Some days it fits like a freight train, the emptiness of my heart, home, and life. Yesterday I was laughing, it felt good to laugh, I though “hey, I am laughing! This is nice.” Today I wonder why he won’t take even a speck of blame. I sent him a brief note 2 weeks ago forgiving him for his other “women friendships” and for the money he took. His rebutted was a letter stating he was confused, I was “it”, he is innocent, I knew he had trust issues, he didn’t have sex with M., and all that sex talk was just talk and I should know better. Not once mentioning he loved me or that I was the one because of love. Was the fact he controlled me the only reason he wanted me around? At our commitment ceremony he would not even look up to say his vows, that morning he wrote Wanda a letter saying those nights they spent in each others arms – recently – meant everything to him, those special things he shared with her were meant only for her, he would forever cherish her and keep her picture. WTH!!!!! Edie wrote asking my schedule so she could come give him pleasure. Innocent? Yet my heart bleeds and I want to know WHY I let this abusive man hurt me. I am so angry.

Here it is end of June and I am in a much better place. I wrote Ed a very detailed easy print letter, in very simple language – 4th grade level, so he would understand… “YOu always said the tongue is mightier than the sword, and you used yours to murder me and murder us. You said I was IT, if I was IT why did you continually say “I am not in love with you” “I lost my desire for you” both from week one after our commitment ceremony, If I was IT why did you repeat over and over “I can’t stand being around you” “I’m not listening to you” “this is what you’re doing, this is what I want you to do” (having his hands make the talking vs shut mouth signs.) If I was IT why did you refuse to marry me. Why did you keep saying it was up to me whether I made it to heaven and you were only concerned for yourself. ETC….    SOOOOO a few weeks later I received a thick letter from him and I had it stamped “Rejected” and returned unopened. I felt nothing! I  most certainly did not want his poison to seep out of that letter into me. I knew I was finished, done, over him. Yesterday I got a one page letter from him saying “you returned the letter, now you will never know what I wrote.” DUH! He is still playing games.  and he wonders why he goes through more women than an artist doing nudes.

Unanswered Prayers and Mountains Unmoveable -BB

I have such a grace filled blessed life, even here in the fire. God fills me with His love and despite the pain – I know My Father loves me. My Daddy is refining me and purifying me. He strengthens my faith. He grants me wisdom and discernment and the gifts of The Holy Spirit – which are better than the flowers, cards, and little notes I had so desired. Thank You God for the losses in my life – so that in my agony I saw Your face and felt Your arms wrap tightly around me. In my loneliness – You gathered me in Your arms and You cried WITH me. How can I thank You enough for the pain and for unanswered prayers and mountains unmovable? I love you beyond all love, You are my Sweet Breath of fresh air in this stale world of sin, I need You like I need the air. Your burdens are light and easy to carry, I rejoice You chose me to carry them. Abba, walk with me always and let me remember the joyful reasons I carry this load. Oh how I love you, My Daddy, My Lover, My All! Thank You for my life; My God! Amen and Amen

My Gratitude List: Thank You God for… -BB

Thank You God for butterflies, hummingbirds, lady bugs, rainbows, elephants, dinosaurs, mushrooms, snails, and horses 🙂 For lilacs, hyacinths, sunflowers, roses, crocuses, snowdrops, dandelion blows. For corn field mazes and tall wheat fields. For rivers and fishing poles. For wood fences to walk on. For wood burning stoves and log cabins. Thank You God for covered bridges and caves and tunnels. For igloos and snowmen and snow angels and snowball fights. For curly hair and braids. For tree forts, tree houses and swing sets and rope tire swings. For antiques and genealogy. For books and imaginations, art and photography, for poems. For the song Amazing Grace. Thank You God for tears and laughter, pain and joy, for feelings and emotions. Thank You God for wisdom. Thank You for my grandparents, parents, siblings, husbands, and for My Children, My Grandchildren, friends, pets, pine cones, crafts, and plastic Christmas trees. Thank You for snow days, rainy gray days, warm sunny days and the wind. Fresh mowed hay, watermelon seeds to spit, corn shucking, grain stalks, and sea shells. Thank You God for all the different types of rocks and sand and clouds. Thank You for Gena’s “Ketchup,” Yvonne’s quick humor, Ben’s deep sensitive heart. All their creativity, brains, and huge hearts. Thank You for soil to dig my hands into, for worms, for seeds, for gardening, for chickens and barns and silos. Thank You God for Redwood and Sequoia and Bonsai trees, for whales and elephant seals, for blue ice bergs and Joshua Trees, Red Rock Canyon, Grand Canyon, Meteor Craters, the Petrified Forest, and the face on the moon. Thank You for the Pyramids, Stone Hedge, Easter Island, Aztec and Mayan Ruins, and the Sphinx. Thank You God for Israel and Jerusalem and the Alps. Thank You God for countless stars that challenge our imaginations, for shooting stars and ocean waves, for mirages and sand dunes. For starfish and conches, Hermit crabs are fun to watch too. Thank You God that my children share my total amazement at life and my creative imagination and problem solving ways. Lord, Thank You most for My Most Precious Children!!! Each more special than any other ever EVAR born. If I were to make or create them, I could not have done a more perfect job. My Genevieve. My Benjamin. My Yvonne. My Masterpieces. Thank You God!!! You are PERFECT, giving me only the best. Now You give to My Most Precious – their own Most Precious Perfect Children – My Grandchildren. Thank You God!!!!

Why Did You Marry Me?

When I asked you: “Why DID you marry me?” You said, over and over: “because you’re trainable.”  Because I am trainable. Like a pet monkey, circus seal, or dog, I am trainable. I am not even a human in your eyes, just a pet to serve you. You said “I had to marry you quick before you figured it out.” I was so naive, shame on you!!!!! A grown man, carefully seeking, calculating, plotting to demise of a trusting soul. Then YOU are the animal, pouncing and devouring your prey. That is a sign of deep routed insecurity and narcissistic behavior, all about you and ONLY you. Do you realize how you made me cry, night after night, in the car alone, in the shower? Do you even care? Do you know that God stood there right with me, He was crying as well at the pain you inflicted on His Daughter. That is who I am, you promised to take care of me and cherish me, God expected you to obey Him and keep your word to Him; and you broke your vow to God. You intentionally chose to hurt His Daughter.

Random lists of offenses that I need to get out, BB

names are changed, any resemblance to reality is purely coincidental.

A letter, another letter I wrote. I may write a lot until I am purged of it all. ………………..                      E, You disrespected me and tore me to shreds. Adultery is not just a physical sex, it is emotional sharing of your self with another – this should have been in our marriage ONLY. Everytime you have sex with someone you are making a soul connection with her and this dishonors God, you are spitting on God and His sanctity of marriage. You have slept with so many, even just since you and I started dating. I have not even looked at or thought of another man since the day I first laid eyes on you. I was committed to you and only you  alone. You chose – prefer to talk to Donna, Ash, Linda, Wanda, E, D, Jean, Michele, Michelle – over me and when I asked how you were, what’s up, how are your kids and grandkids, tell me what’s going on in your life… you refused to talk to me and said “I don’t feel like repeating myself.” You cut me off so early in our marriage. You let them all say what ever they wanted to say about me, and even to me and never once did you come to my defense, you even let your grandchildren and sister talk to me in a disrespectful way and never said anything. You never once, not one time defended me. Even when your precious MsM called me a “fucking asshole” your response was an impassioned “oh well.” You didn’t even get upset, not appalled, no sign that you were upset anyone would call your wife such a horrible name. You defended her, though! “She need me, she has no one to talk to.” “Michele is the victim in all this, she lost her best friend the day we got married.” “She needs me.” “You shouldn’t talk badly about her.” “She is lost without me.” “I have to help her, no one else will, she won’t listen to anyone else.”  How about how she treats your wife?!!?!?!?!?!? You were so angry at me for not allowing you and her to be “best friends and get together for coffee and talks as best friends.” My mother was rushed to the ER with system shutdown that day, you would not allow me to talk to you about my mom, and wouldn’t even hug or support me, and yelled “No, go away, leave me alone! I don’t want to see you!” Each word emphasized. You fiercely defended your rights to be friends with and spend time with any woman you wanted, that you were not doing anything wrong and that I had a problem and should get over it, that I was insecure. You never ever got to know me, or you would know that before you I was not insecure! I was happy, joyful about life, secure with myself. You kept saying “I know you better than you know yourself” and described this person who was not only not me, but not even close to being me. I think it was an amalgamation of your mom, who you still are angry with for rejecting you, and your ex wife, who you abused and she left. You did not try to get to know me, not once did you look at photo albums, ask about my past, ask about my favorite color, flower, food, you didn’t ask about my hopes and dreams, my fears, my aspirations. It was all about YOU, how can I serve you. Did you ever care even one time about who I was? Or was it all about having a money source until you were ready to go back to Michele to live with when her kids were old enough; and have her as your playmate in the meantime. Does she know you are also fooling around with Linda and Wanda and Edie?

I asked you once to tell me three things that cause you to be uncomfortable with me:  You said: “Just be yourself not a cheap imitation, don’t embellish, just stick to the facts, stop being so insecure it drives me nuts, stop turning things on me, I don’t like switchery, stop nit picking, stop saying “you always”, stop being so needy, stop thinking about sex all the time, be more serious, you are too demanding and hard to live with, you could lose weight, you are too loud, I prefer elegant ladies,….. perhaps I don’t like the real you!” “Perhaps I don’t like the real you.” later turned to “I don’t like who you are” and “I can’t stand being around you.”

You banned me from talking, for the last few years, oh heck, since the wedding band went on I would talk and you would say “I’m not listening, I am…” fill in the excuse, they were all lame and hurtful. Then  when I talked you would say “this is what you are doing (making your hand do the talking motion) this is what I want you to do (make your hand do the closed mouth motion.)” Your favorite line was “there is a time and place for …(fill in the blank)…. and this is NOT it.” From the moment we awoke until you turned your back to me to sleep, I was denied kisses, “I love you”, talking, questions, talking about my day, just about anything….  You were not “in love with me” and were not shy about letting me know. You loved me, but not as much as your children or family. You let me know that too. You cut me off from my own family, putting them down and saying I should “leave them alone, stop bugging them, they will hate you if you keep interfering with their lives,” you also cut my birth family to shreds. I never spoke ill about your kids, grand kids, and family. You were nasty about mine, you had nasty things to say about all of them, from my father and mother down to the youngest infant. You are just a nasty man. I have never met anyone so insecure with himself that he has to demean and abuse the sweetest giving person he could find, making me feel like I was unworthy of anyone, unworthy of love, unworthy to live…just so you could feel better about being a nasty controlling unhappy insecure man. I seriously think you have a manic bipolar schizophrenic personality disorder, you told me you are bilpolar and refuse to take your meds. You need those meds. You tell me how sweet you are, and liked … but so was Jeffry Dahlmer.

I am the best thing that will ever happen to you, your friends say that too, and have sought me out to apologize about what you did, they have seen you do similar to women before, a total lack of respect for women, thinking they are to serve you and do not have any value as humans. You tell them I am the worst thing to ever happen to you. You will eat those words!

There are curses on your family, you have spoken them yourself, they are not from me. You cursed your own children and grandchildren. You have poisoned your whole family, an laid upon them a multi generational curse. God can lift it, but you are playing games with God too. You think you can live anyway you want, apologize to God, and repeat over and over again and still go to Heaven based on grace. You better be darn sure about the extent of grace when you purposely push God away. Hell is for eternity, eternity to remember finding your son ODd, seeing your other son in a coffin after he ODd, remembering all the wort times of your life over and over and over and over. Remembering your family and never seeing them, only seeing the worst memories of them and any horrible lie satan throws at you are you burn. You spoke curses over our relationship the day you lied to me that we were really married, when you said you had no concern whether or not I went to heaven, the day you curse my family down to my youngest grandchild, and your decision to continue your relationships with all your old girlfriends whom you had had sex with. Your life is a mess! You made it what it is! God will forgive you, but ONLY if you are sincere and make a life changing decision to follow God’s Word, live as God calls you to live.

 

names are fictional, any resemblance to reality is purely coincidental.

My Only Hope IS YOU, Lord, 4 months later, still broken -BB

names are fictional, any resemblance to reality is purely coincidental.

4 months later. I am alive. I am still trying to make sense of it all. Why did he betray me? Why did he throw us away? The only thing I did wrong was to get so ill.  I am still so heartbroken, I love him so much, even is all his brokenness, i still loved him through it all. Why couldn’t we be broken together? Why did he expect perfection from me? Constantly controlling and criticizing me, why couldn’t he be happy with me? 6 years we were together, the first was full of compliments, telling me how he loved me just as I was, except please grow my hair and braid it. I did, I love him so, I would do anything for him. The following year he took over cooking and taught me how he wanted his house kept. He maintained the things with motors and I made the money that he managed. During that year my bank account was purposely shut down, and he would put me on his in time. Over time we still maintained two separate lives on paper and legal and accounts; he always had a reason for this. I spent years asking him to marry me, he refused, saying we were just fine where we were. It would be a financial disaster for him if we did: he collects STAR program, welfare benefits, and such – I would ruin it for him.  Time went on and things got worse, no more flowers (he bought some once in a while – the cheapest he could get at the grocer, the kind he KNOWS I dislike – and only if they were on sale so he could get some for someone else.) Birthdays passed with no presents or cards. If I got a card it was from a charity box that the church gave him. But still I hung in there praying to God for his heart to soften to me, so we could walk as God intended. Husband and wife – united as one. Not as we were united through a commitment ceremony, a farce, spitting in God’s face. I wish I had known all this back when, I was so naive. I was so in love, I was so committed to him. We were under a curse! I think God protected me because I was such a new Christian and praying to do it right, following God’s orders to submit completely to my husband and not understanding he was not my husband. He on the other hand, had completed many ministry courses, including a marriage course. He brought curses to his children and his grandchildren, his choices allowed the walls of protection to come down and for evil to enter his family in the form of drugs, death, alcohol, debauchery, prostitution, homosexuality, theft, prison, poverty, ruination of hopes and dreams,.and death – physical and soul. I am so thankful I prayed for my children and grandchildren, my parents and siblings, my family and friends, and for my future family on down generations. I prayed a simple prayer, a prayer of salvation for them all, for blessings of wisdom, discernment, and peace in all circumstances. My family has come out from under this umbrella of curses, and are coming to the Lord one by one. What a site to see, what a joy for my heart. I love that is is probable I will spend eternity in Heaven with my family that is so dear to me. My heart is still in pain, but in the end I will be forever in peace. These blogs can get a bit disjointed, as I am scattered all over the place with this one story of my last 6 years. My counselors, several professionals have said I was horribly emotionally abused, and on hearing the tapes of him and reading the past letters he wrote to others from the time we started dating, it has been planned, calculated and destructive on his part; it is amazing and a blessing that I was able to escape at all. I have what is called PTSD with Stockholm Syndrome. Praise God I will heal completely. I may never trust another man, ever again, and as much as I deserve to be the Godly submissive wife that I desire – I am in no shape to even talk to a man at this point, I am so afraid of men! I have filled a notebook, now, with healing work from seminars, divorce care, Christian healing courses, and of course my Psychologist’s assignments she gives me each week at my counseling sessions. I work, come home and do the tough work – on myself! I am a mess. But I feel at this point that I still need to spew it all out and look at it all, sort it out, categorize is, make sense of what I am looking at, see what part I played and what part he played. Then move on.

So, we start with last fall, when I signed up to get counseling to be a better wife, more submissive, because he was not happy with me. He said I was “nitpicking” too much. I was puzzled, I was submissive, I have never nitpicked him one single time! I prayed for him, I prayed over him. I prayed!!!! So the counselor sent a form for me to complete:

BRIEFLY ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS 

1. What is your problem? 

I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 4 1/2 YEARS AND THERE ARE ISSUES I WOULD LIKE TO WORK THROUGH, HE FEELS THERE ARE NO ISSUES. IT BEGAN ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT WHEN HE WANTED TO GO TO SLEEP. WE HAD NOT HAD SEX SINCE THE SUMMER BEFORE (I WANTED TO STOP SEX AND BE SURE HE IS THE ONE AND WAIT TIL I AM MARRIED). I FIGURED HE WAS JUST AS HORNY, I WAS WRONG. I CRIED, THE NEXT MORNING HIS BUDDY SHOWED UP AT 7 AM FOR A MOTORCYCLE RIDE, AN ALL DAY RIDE. THE SEX ONLY HAPPENED WHEN I INITIATED, HE REJECTED ME, THEN THE NEXT DAY HE WANTED IT. I WAS CONFUSED AND ANGRY. I DID NOT BEHAVE VERY WELL ABOUT IT. I CRIED A LOT. EVENTUALLY MY HUSBAND SAID “I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENED, I LOST MY DESIRE.” THAT KILLED ME.  MY FIRST HUSBAND REJECTED ME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON ME. I FOUND OUT HE STILL MET OLD GIRLFRIENDS FOR COFFEE. HIS SON BECAME A HEROIN USER AND HE SPENT TIME AT HIS EX-WIFES TALKING ABOUT THEIR SON. HE STOPPED SHARING WITH ME, I HEARD STUFF FROM HIS OLD GIRLFRIEND OR OTHERS ABOUT FAMILY MATTERS. I FOUND A WONDERFUL SITE FOR CHRISTIAN WIVES AND THINGS BEGAN TO GET A LITTLE BETTER, THEN HIS SON DIED 14 MONTHS AGO, THIS PAST YEAR HAS BEEN TOUGH, AND I WAS NOT AS SUPPORTIVE AS I COULD HAVE BEEN, AND I WAS. HIS FRIEND INSINUATED HE HAD CHEATED ON ME WITH MICHELLE, THE OLD GIRLFRIEND I TOLD YOU ABOUT. MY HUSBAND HAD ALREADY CHOSE HER SIDE ONE TIME WHEN I ASKED HIM TO STOP BEING HER FRIEND, “I AM THE ONLY ONE SHE LISTENS TO.”  WTH!!!!! MY HUSBAND SWEARS IT ISN;T TRUE, I HAD ASKED HIM TIMES OVER THE LAST YEARS IF HE WOULD EVER CHEAT ON ME HE NEVER SAID NO, HE SAID “YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO ASK”,”I’M NOT EVEN ANSWERING THAT QUESTION.” SO SHE STOPS BY AND WANTS TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME SUDDENLY, ONLY MY HUSBAND HAD TOLD ME THAT THE DAY BEFORE, AND THEY USED THE EXACT SAME REHEARSED WORDS. MY EX AND THE GIRL HE LEFT ME FOR DID THE SAME THING.. THEN I SAID NO AND SHE CALLED ME A FUCKING ASSHOLE AND “I’LL SHOW YOU.” MY HUSBAND RESPONDED WHEN I TOLD HIM “OH WELL SHE TALKS TO HER MOTHER THAT WAY, THAT IS JUST HER.” REALLY?????? HE CHOSE HER OVER ME. SO I CHECKED HIS PHONE AND SHE HAD TEXTED  ASKING WHY HE HADN’T TEXTED HER, HE TEXTED HE MISSED HER, SHE SAID OK, SHE THEN TEXTED THAT HE SHOULD TELL ME HE WOULD GO TO HIS SON’S HOUSE AND MEET HER. HE SAID “LIZ KNOWS HIS SCHEDULE.” NOW I AM LOOKING AT OLD PHONE RECORDS AND FOUND THEY TALK FOR 10 TO 20 MINUTES AT A TIME. I WORK IN OTHER STATES 3 MONTHS AT A TIME, AND HE COMES WITH. SHE CALLS WHEN I AM AT WORK. HE SWEARS THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS AND I AM PUSHING HIM AWAY WITH MY JEALOUSY. THEN HIS SISTER LIED AND SAID I HAD SAID SOMETHING ABOUT HER DAD, SO NOW MY HUSBAND SAYS HE CA’T TRUST ME AND WILL NOT TELL ME ANYTHING MORE. WHAT HAPPENED IS HIS OTHER SISTER HAD TOLD ME SOMETHING THEIR DAD HAD DONE TO HER, WE WERE TALKING ON THE PORCH AND I REPLIED MY DAD HAD DONE THE SAME THING TO ME, THEN HIS OTHER SISTER CAME ON THE PORCH AND JUST HEARD THE END. I WOULD NEVER SAY ANYTHING TO HER. THE SISTER I HAD TALKED TO MUST HAVE LIED, BECAUSE NOW IT CAME OUT THAT I SAID MY HUSBAND HAD TOLD ME SECRETS AND I CAN’T KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT, I WAS NOT GIVEN A CHANCE TO TELL MY END. THANKSGIVING I MADE GRAVY AND STRAINED THE FAT OFF, I WENT TO THE SINK WITH THE 1/2 LADLE OF FAT AND WAS LOOKING FOR A CONTAINER TO PUT IT IN WHEN THAT SAME SISTER YELLED “YOU CAN’T PUT FAT DOWN THE SINK” AND GAVE ME THE CONTAINER FOR FAT. SHE CARRIED ON AND WHEN THE SINK LEAKED UNDERNEATH SHE FELT AROUND AND SAID FAT WAS COMING OUT. SHE TOLD MY HUSBAND I PUT FAT IN THE SINK, WHEN I TRIED TO EXPLAIN, HE WOULD NOT LISTEN TO ME. HE WAS STILL SO UPSET THAT I HAD PEAKED AT HIS TEXT MESSAGES. I KNOW HE ERASES ANY HE DOES NOT WANT ME TO READ. SO THEN I GOT EVEN WORSE AND CHECKED HIS OLD EMAIL AND FACEBOOK AND FOUND HE HAD BEEN HAVING SEX WITH OTHER WOMEN, ONE ONLINE AND ANOTHER WITH W.C., AND EVEN TALKED TO HER ABOUT HER BEING SPECIAL EVEN THOUGH IT WAS OVER ON OUR WEDDING MORNING. ABOUT OUR WEDDING, I AGREED TO BE MARRIED BY A MINISTER, AND NOT LEGALLY, BUT NOW HE REFUSES FOR FINANCIAL REASONS TO LEGALLY MARRY ME, HE IS ON DISABILITY. THE HOUSE GOES TO HIS KIDS WHEN HE DIES. I KNOW HE HAS MONEY SOMEWHERE, I CAN DO MATH, BUT HE ACTS LIKE HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT  I AM TALKING ABOUT, BUT I FOUND IT WHILE SNOOPING.  EITHER I AM A FOOL, OR HE REALLY IS NOT CHEATING ON ME, HIS EYES ARE HURT AND TELL ME HE IS REALLY TRUE BLUE, GOING TO HEAVEN IS VERY IMPORTANT TO HIM. BUT HIS KIDS COME BEFORE ME. IT FEELS LIKE HIS SISTERS ALSO COME BEFORE ME. HE DOES NOT TRUST ME, I DO NOT TRUST HIM. HE IS REALLY HAVING A HARD TIME ACCEPTING HIS SON’S DEATH, I HEAR THAT IS COMMON AFTER THE FIRST YEAR ENDS, AND ANOTHER SON IS NOW HOOKED ON HEROIN. LIFE IS PRETTY TOUGH. I HAVE KIDS, BUT MY  HUSBAND COMES FIRST. HE WON’T EVEN COME TO MY KIDS PARTIES. AND FOR BIRTHDAY, ANNIVERSARY, ETC HE DOESN’T BUY ME GIFTS. I KNOW I HAVE BEEN CRITICAL TOWARDS HIM ABOUT A LOT.
2. What have you done about it? 
HANDLED IT ALL WRONG AND DRIVEN MYSELF CRAZY. 
3. What can we do? (What are your expectations in coming here?) 
I HAVE BEEN PRETTY SELFISH AND DEMANDING ABOUT A LOT, I HAVE DISRESPECTED MY HUSBAND, DOUBTED HIM, BEEN JEALOUS, FEARFUL, UNTRUSTWORTHY, DESTRUCTIVE. I FEEL I HAVE BEEN WRONGED BY HIS NOT PROTECTING ME AS HE SHOULD FROM HIS SISTERS AND EX GIRLFRIEND. HE IS SAD AND ANGRY AND GRIEVING, I NEEDED TO VENT ALL THIS AND NOW TO TALK ABOUT HOW TO HANDLE ME BECOMING A BETTER CHRISTIAN WIFE , TO LEARN TO LEAN ON GOD AND TRUST GOD WILL BE THERE FOR ME. I CANNOT CHANGE MY HUSBAND, ONLY GOD CAN. BUT I SHOULD RESPECT HIM SO HE WILL START TO TRUST ME AGAIN AND START TO TALK TO ME, AND SOMEDAY HAVE SEX WITH HIM INITIATING. SEX IS HUGE FOR ME, I CANNOT SEPARATE IT FROM LOVE. HE SAYS I AM HARD TO LIVE WITH. THE WALLS NEED TO COME DOWN. HE IS SO PATIENT AND QUIET, REFUSES TO LET HIS PEACE WITH GOD BE MESSE
D WITH. I AM A MESS HERE, I BLAME MY CHILDHOOD AND FIRST HUSBAND. I DON’T EVEN WANT TO BE WITH ME WHEN MY MOUTH OPENS UP AND MY FEAR AND ALL KICK IN. I DO NOT NEED MEDS, I NEED GOD, HOW DO I FEEL HIM AND TRUST AND HEAL?
4. Is there any other information we should know? _
HAHAHAHA, I THINK THAT IS ENOUGH RIGHT NOW.

So, here I am being treated like pond scum, and I was taking the blame for his actions, I now realize I had no boundaries at all, which is how Stockholm Syndrome works, defend the abuser. My counselor stared in disbelief as I tried to defend this man I had believed to be my husband; and refused to listen as the counselor explained how I was being emotionally abused. His advice: “Run! Get away, I was not married and he would never change and I was in danger.” I was so used to blaming myself for everything, I had heard our entire marriage how I was the one who needed help, I was at fault, he was blameless and if he ever did anything wrong he “would be the first to admit it.” Hahaha. Yeah, right. Another counselor suggested I read “The Emotionally Abusive Marriage” she was all pro marriage and believed nearly any and every marriage could be saved. I waited on pins and needles waiting for the book to come in. BUT just to prove to the male counselor he was SO WRONG, I purchased two tiny recording devices…and right off the bat I heard my “husband” talking to this Michele. Trying to figure out when they could get together for sex, and that I was going for surgery and if they were lucky I would have complications and stay longer in the hospital, so they could have the house to themselves for days. My  “love of my life” continued for an hour and a half berating me, tearing me to shreds, telling this woman if I should die “hahahahaha” (yes, he laughed a devious laugh) that he would give my kids a tiny part of the money I had saved up and keep the rest, he told her that he had been siphoning money off me for years and had 15 thousand tucked away in one place and even more elsewhere. He planned on signing his name to my RV Title and selling it. He told her he did not love me, hated my cooking, hated nearly everything I did. He allowed her to degrade me and he laughed about it.

Well, my eyes flew opened! But with all the guns in the house, and the fact he had made mention of them and that I should be careful sneaking around so he doesn’t accidentally shoot me (that was the first of two times he talked like this to me, the second time was the day after surgery, new years eve when I was so snockered on post anesthesia and pain pills and couldn’t even think straight. I left to stay with my daughter after that and only went home to move, I was terrified.) So I had to plan how to leave and how to find out more without firing up his anger, he has that quiet type of anger, he keeps oddly calm and lashes out with a pleasant face, it is terrifying! I read the book, and thank God I did, it opened my eyes even further to the twisted agony I was feeling inside and how emotional abuse works, and how to quietly get out to prevent bodily or more psychological harm. I did keep taping him for a couple weeks, until I had made a plan and was able to pack my as much stuff as was not obvious. I also hid my money and my Titles to my vehicles, and well as my jewelry. The taping allowed me to hear how deep his hate and disrespect for me went, how he just couldn’t stand being around me, and he laughed about it! He was also saying that to me a lot at home “I can’t stand being around you! I gotta get away from you! I can’t stand you!” I heard as his friends tried to reason with him, and as they said his behavior is what drove his ex-wife away, and that he was going to lose me. He did not care. I heard as he told his family that he didn’t love me, hated my cooking, hated just about everything about me, except he loved my  money and right now I was not working and useless to him. He didn’t even remember that I was too ill to work, he acted like I was doing this on purpose. My Agape Love for him, my enduring love and desire to please him, my deepest desire to stay with him and serve him until the day I died vanished! He had committed the biggest offense against marriage: he adulterated and gave his heart and soul away to someone else, someone who is lose and easy, whom he had been having an affair with our entire marriage: mental as well as physical. The mental affair hurt me the most. I can’t fight that. All those prayers, all that work, all the sacrifice was for nothing! Well, prayers are never for nothing, God stood there next to me crying as well, hurting with me in all my pain. 7 days after my surgery I grabbed what I could and I moved into a home for women. I tried to go back (with police) but was unable to get much more. He told the police rightly that it was his house, we were not married, and he would not let me have anything more. And he had cut the power from the garage so I couldn’t see anything to get it, and he refused to allow me in the house. So he got my truck, close to $20 thousand of my dollars, my furniture, TV, Roku, computers, books, memories, towels, dishes, you name it…I was starting from scratch. I got to have my clothes, a few items, a little money I had stashed away, the Titles to my car, motorcycle, and RV (which he stripped the inside of my stuff.) I also got to take away my torn, shredded, broken heart … which is still bleeding and painful. I get to keep my love for him, despite it all – before judging, please read up on Stockholm Syndrome.

I wrote him a letter and mailed it:

Dear Ed,
 
This decision did not come without a lot of thought, in fact a few years of thought, but you needed me to support you this past year, so I set aside things to be there for you. There are so many issues we have had, but every time I tried to talk to you, you refused to listen or hear. We could have resolved all this back when and had a strong and happy marriage.
 
You refuse to get legally married, bible states you need legal marriage  the Bible clearly states that all believers are to submit to their government in all things (Rom. 13:1-7). The only exception is in cases that submission to authority requires us to disobey the greater law of God (Acts 4:19-20, 5:27-29). 
You say you do not want legal bindings because you will lose benefits: HEAP, STAR, FS, insurance. This is welfare fraud. By dong this you basically put a value on me, saying “Liz you are only worth what benefits I will lose if I marry you.” Which is sad, you do not put a high value on me at all. I am not worth much to you. You also are telling God you do not trust Him to provide for your needs, shutting God out, turning your back on Him and losing His blessings. No wonder you feel He is not listening, you pushed God away.
 
You have me lie and tell people i am a relative, even knowing I am uncomfortable with this. Bible states protect your wife, keep her pure, do not lie, you will lose your blessings, God cannot come and answer your prayers and be with you if you have shut Him out with sin. If you are a husband, you should be thoughtful of your wife. Treat her with honor, because she isn’t as strong as you are, and she shares with you in the gift of life. Then nothing will stand in the way of your prayers.
 
You tell me you are not in love with me, this is against sanctity of marriage. In 5 years I cannot find one time you wrote (or said) “I love you” it is always “love ya.” So impersonal.  Ed, if you are not in love with someone, let them find someone who will cherish her and prize her. It is selfish for you to have me “because I am trainable” when I could have eventually found true partnership with someone who is in love with me. You took away my joy and trust. Never marry unless you cannot live without that person, then work on that marriage. 
 
You tell me you put your children first, the Bible is very clear on that matter:  “Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” All of one’s heart, soul, and strength is to be committed to loving God, making Him the first priority. If you are married, your spouse comes next. A married man is to love his wife as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). Christ’s first priority—after obeying and glorifying the Father—was the church. Here is an example a husband should follow: God first, then his wife.
 
You have told me repeatedly this is your house and your kids get it when you die. You are supposed to make me feel safe, it is your husband duty, you did not.  Selfishness is a marriage killer. For many men they think they are better than their wife simply because they are men. These men have made a serious judgment error. Husbands, tell your wife how important and valuable she is to you. Watch for the loving smile on her face when you do! The Proverbs writer said, “An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain.” Prov 31:10-11 Notice how the wise husband trusts his wife’s judgments and realizes how fortunate he is to have her.
 
You have rejected me sexually since our wedding night, the bible states. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. Blow jobs are demeaning and you also stating that is the only way I can arouse you is hurtful. I did my wifely duty, gald to please you, but I suffered. I deserve the same joy and pleasure.
 
You promise to love and protect and honor me, yet keep in touch with the women you know intimately then try to lay guilt on me for being insecure. I am not insecure, you are and cannot let go of the women in your past. This is Biblical foundation 101. I talked to many male Pastors, they agree their wives would have killed them had they even tried half the stuff you pulled. 
 
I never even looked at another man since we met, yet you let your family and others believe I cheated on you when we were apart that one week. We were apart because you couldn’t commit and I gave you time to think. Be a man and tell them the truth finally.
 
Yes, I did check the text that day, and my eyes were opened, there was more to that text, I guess you forgot you told her you miss her and you two were talking about lying to me that you were with your son and actually with Michele. I realized you played me for a fool, a sucker, your cash cow while you had your fun. I had outside help and dug up absolute proof you have been unfaithful since we were dating and now. I am not as dumb as you tell people, I am just quiet and hold my cards tight.
 
Adultery occurs in the mind and is just as evil a sin there, you have adulterated in mind and body. Talking to Michele for an hour and half when I was in Gowanda about getting together for sex and saying: “I love you” to each other. You still love her. Yes, I have proof of all this, I do not have  proof of all the times when you two actually got together, but you already adulterated and you would not have been saying “I love you” to each other if you weren’t already intimate. 
 
What got me going on her was a few incidents over the last two years where you defended her after she hurt me. Even when she called me a f-n a-hole and all the cruel things she said during that conversation you defended her over me and even agreed with her that I was psycho. You said to me “Michele is the real victim in all this,” you cannot even see how she plays you. You need to realize what you have done. You two deserve each other.
Oh and the lying, I hear you lie about things you don’t even have to lie about, you are quite the manipulator. You had me believing you, except that still small voice kept screaming “Liz, wake up!”  
 
Abuse comes in many different forms. Throwing the Bible up at your wife as a weapon to keep her behaving the way you want. Indifference to your wife’s life and thoughts and hopes and dreams. Indifference is saying everything is fine in our relationship because it suits you, even though your wife is trying to tell you we need to  talk. Indifference is not hearing your wife, always having something else to listen to or pay attention to instead of her. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. Indifference also comes forth when you tell your wife you will be fine without her, as you have said many times over the years. Deceit and lies, whether making her lie; or if you are lying, as in our sham of a marriage knowing she feels sinful about it. Dependence, creating a situation where your wife is dependent on you OR you rescue your wife and then need to keep her in a needy mode out of fear that once she is rescued she won’t need you anymore.  Financial abuse, not letting your wife have a bank account, controlling all the money, lying about the amount of money you have.  Emotional abuse: telling her she is nagging when she has not nagged, telling her she is insecure, constantly letting her know she goofed up again. Have you heard me say “Tell me when I do something right.” Didn’t that make you stop and think something is not right is your actions?
 
You have a saying, let me paraphrase: if you break up with a person it might be their problem. But if you go through many people, then perhaps you should look in the mirror. I get along great with everyone except you and some of your family (but they only know what you tell them). I know the problem is not with me. I have had only 1 boyfriend, 1 husband for 30 years, and you. Everyone loves me. And right now I have a huge and fantastic support network.
 
Do a favor, do not get married again, not until you work out whatever problems plague you. Or go back with Sherry, she has been with you since you were so young. She has actual reasons to feel the anger she does, apologize for the hurt you laid on her. Apologize for the mental cruelty and manipulations and accusations you falsely laid on her. Sherry is a gem of a woman who has been badly hurt by you and didn’t deserve it.  Love her and allow her to start healing and trusting again. She will come to desire a you in her life. But do not be so overbearing and controlling, marriage is 50/50. You expect some TV version of marriage that is unrealistic. I tried my best, but no woman can be who you want. I lost myself trying to be what you want. I used to be so confident and happy and secure, and I will get that way again. I love me, I love life.  I have a place in my heart for you. But we have gone as far as I can ever go.
 
Have a blessed life. Goodbye.
 
-B-
 
“Do you really love life?
    Do you want to be happy?
Then stop saying cruel things
    and quit telling lies.
11 Give up your evil ways
    and do right,
as you find and follow
the road that leads
    to peace.
12 The Lord watches over
    everyone who obeys him,
and he listens
    to their prayers.
But he opposes everyone
    who does evil.”
He emailed me not to worry, he wouldn’t show anyone the letter, he wouldn’t want to embarrass me further. Holy cow, this man doesn’t get it! 
names are fictional, any resemblance to reality is purely coincidental.