Strength And Dignity Course Session 6: Boundary Opportunities :BB

Boundary Opportunities:

  1.  I don’t know how to be me, I am used to being passively blindly obedient and serving others.
  2.  People impose on my life and time thinking I have nothing better to do, I have no Bible or me time
  3.  I am missing being controlled, as horrible as it was, I felt I knew what to do as long as he was not angry at me.

Options:

  1. I am starting intense counseling for the PTSD and Stockholm Syndrome I have suffered as a result of my wrong decision of jumping into a very wrong and abusive relationship – which I did 6 years ago – after ending a 30 year marriage to another wrong choice which I jumped into at age 17 – after a very abusive childhood. At age 56 I am happily single for my first time and becoming Christian and beginning a loving relationship with My Lord and Savior!!!!!!! And with myself
  2. I moved to a new town and have a new job and making new friends. I miss my grown kids and grandsons, but they are only an hour away. I feel safe here, I live in a Women’s Rescue House and am protected. I have the opportunity to build Boundaries and since noone here knows me, I can start afresh with these boundaries. Recreate myself, to be the real me I never got to know. No interest in any relationships! Being abused again scares me away from all men.
  3.  I am in college for Ministry, I started a year ago, but was constantly being told negative things about this and having my study time imposed upon and taken from me. Now noone can impose upon my time and noone tells me I should not study God’s Word or makes me feel dumb or unworthy of entering Ministry.

Impact

  1. I already see the impact on my family. I am allowed to see my children now, and see my grandsons – who I missed out on seeing as they were babies. I am not prevented from seeing my parents and siblings now. They are still a bit distant, but we are getting close, they feel more secure of our relationship as time passes and they see I am not going back to the old life of being controlled wrongly. Their trust in me will build over time and we continue to grow closer. My grandsons are just so sweet. I cannot believe I allowed anyone to prevent me from seeing my family.
  2. I am beginning to love myself more, and am setting up boundaries to (hopefully) never be wrongly subjugated again. IF I marry again, I still desire to be a submissive wife, BUT to a Godly husband who understands his role, and is a VERY Godly servant to Our Lord!
  3. In my studies of the Bible and school courses I am learning how deeply God loves me. I am learning how much women need other Godly healthy women to help them see God’s path for them. I read your sites for three years and am learning.

Options God Is Leading Me To Take

  • Ministry – serving women!!!!!!! I feel God is leading me to help young women who come from abusive homes and have sinned and think they are beyond God’s love and redemption. I feel God is leading me to help older women who are lost and hurt by life and their choices and think they are beyond God’s love and redemption. All women deserve to be joyful, just do not know how. Do not know they are worthy.

Confirmation (taken from today’s Proverb Devotional) Which Is PROVERBS 19

  • The one who gets wisdom loves life
  • false witnesses will not go unpunished
  • whoever is kind to the poor lends to the Lord and will be rewarded
  • a persons wisdom yields patience
  • The fear of the Lord lends to life, then one rests content, untouched by trouble
  • a prudent wife is from the Lord
  • Many are plans of a persons heart, but in the end it us the Lord’s purpose that prevails
  • Listen to advice and accept discipline and in the end you will be considered among the wise
  • Stop listening to instruction, my child, and you will stray from the words of knowledge

Strength & dignity, Session 4 Vision Statement and Life List

My vision Statement

I study God’s Word and seek His Will over my life. I have developed a strong concept of how I live my life based on this. I have set firm boundaries to protect myself from others trampling my life; these protect me from being tempted to be swayed out of living God’s Will over my life. I do not say or agree to things outside these boundaries, my comfort zone. I mean what I say and say what I mean. I live in a way that honors God and that respects myself. I seek answers to the best way to go if the situation arises that I am unsure of how to react. I stay vigilant to be aware of my limitations and needs and balance my life. I balance competing situations to keep self-respect and honor God as my top priorities. I easily ask for help when necessary. If I get a negative response I am OK with that and move on, someone else will help. I won’t judge, I am not responsible for, nor do I feel guilt for other’s thoughts and lives. When I ask for advice I seek to be sure the advice given is right for me and how God wants me to interpret all input into my life. I weigh all advice, evaluating that I OK with the advice, does it lead to my inner peace, does it line up with God’s Word. I stay vigilant to the struggles in my life and pursue growth in those areas, I am gentle with myself, I understand I need to grow and God continually works on me, shaping me and pruning me to become who He wants me to be. I am a Princess of God, a Daughter of the Most High, He and I are most intimate, God knows me and lovingly created every part of me, touching and shaping every atom and cell, there is NO love that equals the Agape Absolute Love My Saviour has for me and I have for Him. I live my life remembering this. God has a mighty big plan for me and I am on my path to fulfill His Will over me. I do not allow anything to interfere with my special relationship with MY Father, MY Creator, My All. Nor do I allow anything to interfere with my special relationship with ME and MY self-respect. I do not let anything interfere with MY path to greatness God has set me on.
MY LIFE LIST:
1. Go to Heaven and spend Eternity with God!!!!!
2. Know myself, Love myself, be confident, have strong boundaries, be loved and accepted for who I am
3. Finish my Ministry Studies, be a famous speaker/educator teaching women God’s Word on their lives. Huge ministry reaching Globally to all women who need to hear of God and how leaning on God will change them and their families and their lives.
4. Own property 5+ acres, a ranch, near water or lake or river, train not too far off so I can hear the whistle, 50×50 plus Wood log cabin with metal roof with sleep loft for my grandsons and tiny porch off it, ceiling beams, open floor plan with large kitchen and comfortable living room, fireplace with large stone and a wood burning stove, deer head with antlers over, back up generator, wrap around 10-12’ wide veranda with screened in area off back towards scenic area and porch swing, and wide enough for table and rockers, barn for my equipment/RV/tractor-mower-mulcher-snowplow/double cab 6’ bed pick up/…, large garden, berry patches (raspberries, blueberries, black berries, gooseberries, grapes). Fruit and nut trees all around (apple, pawpaw, cherry, peach, pear, walnut, almond…) chicken coop for my 5 chickens, garden shed, barn for hey and supplies, compost area, wood shed. Summer outdoor kitchen, 10’ firepit with logs to sit on surrounding, A well, electricity, gas or propane, solar panels, windmill, self sufficient energy efficient, first floor bedroom, bathroom, large pantry, laundry room. Horse possible. Vane on roof. Visitor cabin. Smoke house. Remember my dream of the Valley!!!!!!
5. Travel: see Egyptian pyramid, Hawaii volcano, Jerusalem, Stone Henge, Easter Island, Galapagos Island, Ireland, Rome, Scotland
6. Be rich
7. Be philanthropist
8. Learn to play a musical instrument
9. Learn a foreign language
10. Perfect God Ordained Mighty Man of God husband. Equally yoked, All God Desires For Me and him. Our families fit well and get along in all ways, he is handsome, educated, intelligent, good background, no addictions now or ever, common sense, handles money well but not controlling with it, no women friends or issues, no mommy or daddy issues, faithful in all ways to me and God, strong, leader, supportive, not abusive in ANY way, confident, seeks or chases me, desires me as God calls for, loves and adores me, Prays at ALL times, wants to pray as a couple and as a family, is willing to have a Ministry – or has one, is supportive of my ministry, lives the Bible, total Biblical husband, equal partner with me yet leads and lets me submit as God ordains, understands Biblical submission and does not abuse it. We live a Tri-Cord marriage with God at our center, have a BIG wedding, loves learning as much as I do and sharing our learning with each other, NO secrets, not narcissistic, listens to me, respects me, respects himself, wise, discerning, lives with the now with hope to our future, loves travel, is not critical or defensive, is generous. Is ALL GOD DESIRES FOR ME.

Strength & Dignity, Session 3 … 22 minutes

I did laundry and meditated on what God wants for me. I began Bible classes and do 22 minute increments of Bible reading. I do chores for 22 minutes and have Christian music in the background. It takes 22 minutes for me to get to my job, how do like that! I pray and meditate and listen to Christian radio sermons. In the morning bathroom time shower and getting ready I pray and meditate on God. God has a plan for me, I dedicate my entire day to God now. God will show me the great things He has in store for me and God will replace all that was taken from me. 22 minutes here and there through the day is nothing compared to the time God thinks about me!!!!

Strength & Dignity Course, Session 1 & 2

I read my answers from two months ago, I found two people I really respect. Both women have quiet and strong boundaries, both put God first and foremost, they care for themselves and are excellent wives of me who also live as Biblical husbands.
#1 Those with no boundaries I find I have little respect for, they seem to have little or no substance, and I realize how others see me and understand how I came to being abused and walked over. How can I lead others to God if people refuse to trust and respect me and what I have to say?
#2 I am avoiding rule breakers, I left the #1 rule breaker 7 weeks and 5 days ago. My tears are lessening and my peace is growing. He broke all the rules, adulterating, refusing to work and living off the system, expecting me to work and hand over all the money, saying what he wanted to me and laughing in my face when I cried, he was cruel, very cruel. My parents also are rule breakers and put themselves before God and their children, always have. Alcohol, money and drugs were/are their god. It lead to a very abusive and confusing life. My lack of boundaries has led to a life of people feeling they can dictate my schedule and what I will do and how and when with little or no regard for my personal feelings.
#3 Do I have boundaries? No, but I am setting some up, I have female Pastoral care and counsellors here in this women’s home, I am in good hands and learning so much. I have to be gentle with myself and understand they are teaching me to be strong in God! I have small boundaries, and yesterday I actually said “no” to something I really did not want to do. I was so proud of myself. Today I asked for help with an impossible task instead of suffering to do it myself.
#4 I easily let others trample my boundaries, I am still working on that one.
#5 Lack of boundaries destroyed my relationship! If I had had boundaries I would not have attracted a predator, if I had had good boundaries I would not have fallen for someone whose end goal was to control and manipulate me and abuse me.
#6 Boundaries is a system of self preservation, self respect, self awareness. Boundaries prevent others from controlling and abusing me in any way unless I allow it. EXPECTATIONS is where I expect you to accept my boundaries and respect them. You cannot expect anyone to behave or think how you want them.
Boundaries is where you end and I begin; where I end and you begin. A defined wall. Expectations is you accepting me as I am, or walking away.

My New Life…7 Weeks and 6 Days later BB

I moved an hour away 7 weeks and 6 days ago. It took until last week to get medically cleared to work and finally start a job. I have a room in a Rescue Apartment for Women in a Ministry House. I have firm support and firm boundaries, I have a very structured and rigid life I have to live, due to my abused past and I am so fragile I am apt to make a stupid decision. I follow God and read God’s Word and volunteer. Pretty much all my waking time is taken either with work, study, volunteer time, working for the Pastor directly, or Bible/God time. I am given exercises to follow and assignments according to my walk with God. My Pastor treats everyone in her Ministry according to their place on their walks with God, and also considers their abilities. It is a peaceful life, and I visit my kids and grandsons as often as I can. I am working on Divorce Care Course, Strength and Dignity Course, Bondage Breaker Course, preparing for a Beth Moore Believing God Bible Study I am supposed to lead. I am also continuing my Ministry Courses, but I slowed down the pace to adjust to the inner self growth, which must take precedence for now. In a week I start actual one-on-one counseling with a female Christian Therapist. The tears have lessened, the checking my old email to see if he wrote is lessening, the looking out the window is lessening – to see if he came to apologize and have us start a new and Biblical life. No snail mail will be coming either, no roses or notes tucked in my door are coming. I have been accepting more and more he never loved me, he loved the fact he could control me and my money. I was like his dead mom he loved but hated for not protecting him since he was a 3 years old; and he became his dead abusive stepfather whom he hated and still hates. I still have not (and may never) look at any other man since the day I met him in June 2011. I will always love him, and I am not sure why. Perhaps he is so like my father and controlling abuse equaled love. My parents still have a very destructive relationship. Us 5 kids often say “It’s amazing we survived!” I think it is our motto!

The Final Goodbye…A Sad End to an Emotionally Destructive Relationship

2 months later….

I had surgery December 31, 2016…I pushed it, I knew I had to leave and needed it all done prior. By that time the ulcers had spread from my mouth through my small intestines and large intestines, my gall bladder had quit and they found a lot of scar tissue. My relationship was failing and twice that last couple weeks I was “almost shot, I thought you were a burglar.” simply for walking around my own house and he knew I was home but thought I was napping, I must have walked in on him about to call his GF or dibbling back in his old addictions. The fact that the threats were real tells me he was decompensating and there was a serious dangerous shift in his mind and to my safety. His personality really changed from manipulative and controlling to bipolar and frighteningly dangerous. I was terrified! He also told me he could no longer sleep with me as my pain was stopping him from getting the sleep he needed. He took to getting in my face to say “I can’t stand being around you!” Over and over!!!! My counselor told me this was one of the worst cases of emotional abuse he had seen. His advice: “RUN!” I tried arguing all this was my fault and I was in counseling to become a better more submissive wife. LOL. WOW!!!!!!! That was in November, it took listening to the tapes I had made of this man I loved with all my heart, listening to him tell others continually and with increasing hatred about his feelings about me and how he wanted out, and bragged how he even was cruel to me and told me how he couldn’t stand being around me, there was pride in his voice. His poor friends were actually trying to tell him that even they could tell he was wrong and were aghast he treated me like that. They were there when he treated his ex like that and were trying to show him that I had reason to be acting like I was due to his behaviour and being threatened to be shot and his bragging about his female friends and my being too ill and my not working. His being offended at me for MY not working! The man who brags about getting away with welfare fraud and living off the system is upset about me not working for 3 months because I was too ill! We were fine when I was bringing in the bucks and I was gone all day so he could cheat on me and spend my money on those women and when I was paying for trips to Alaska, Texas, Florida for the winter and I payed for an RV and we circles America 3 times, and all the toys my money paid for: pickup truck, boat, RV, wood splitter, camping equipment, EVERY toy he wanted, tools for him and his son (who also was encouraged to live off his girlfriend and the system and then live a double life, listening to father encourage son opened my eyes to what was going on. He also encouraged his other son to do the same. Then blamed his ex, their mother for any failures in the kids. He could not see his actions were detrimental and allowed for Satan to steal his kids.) After my surgery I spent the week at my daughter’s, since he did not me around, I needed to recover from surgery!!!. The recorders were in the living room and bedroom, he found the one in the living room and turned it off. I really never checked either one, I just do not care what is on either, I image the slut and he had sex and I do not want to hear that, I am sure he and she made some rude recordings on the living room one not realizing they had shut it off, I really don’t care to hear the hatred on either. He was going to sell my RV after doctoring the title, when I was at my daughter’s,. He discovered my titles were gone, and my savings were gone. I had gotten a safety deposit box for my papers. So I came home with a moving truck and a bunch of helpers on Saturday when he was usually gone with his playmates. He had figured it out and was home. I told him I was leaving and gave him a chance to stop me, to tell me we could work it out. He said “it is my experience that when a woman wants to go I can’t stop her.” I said “NO! That is not true you can stop this.” He did not even try! He even helped me get my stuff out of the house, BUT he stopped me from taking my TV and my RV and a lot of my stuff and he blocked me from access to my other savings. I was SO terrified of him, I just got out with little more than my clothes and a few things from my family. He was throwing out letters and pictures, making a show tearing them up in front of me. He saved all the letters and photos from others, but mine he trashed. I knew then, he had used me and did not care at all for me. I went back a few days later with police for my RV and other stuff. He shut off the electricity to the garage, I could not even open the door, he said he didn’t know what happened. He told the police it was his house, I was just a girlfriend and I was not allowed inside. He quoted the Bible to the police, who told me they had encountered control nuts like him before, quote the Bible and abused their women. He stripped the RV, even taking the good cover and antennae and my body pillow, which screamed “I hate you.” to me. He had a few things of mine in the driveway in the rain, I put them in the RV and drove off. He is keeping the rest, refusing to give back my things and savings to me. God will replace what the locusts have taken. I waited a few days and mailed the letter I had written and rewritten over the last month prior::::he wrote me an email after getting this letter to say “I won’t show anyone what you wrote, I don’t want to embarrass you like that.” He has a real separation from reality!!!! So here it is:::::

Dear (Husband),

This decision did not come without a lot of thought, in fact a few years of thought, but you needed me to support you this past year, so I set aside things to be there for you. There are so many issues we have had, but every time I tried to talk to you, you refused to listen or hear. We could have resolved all this back when and had a strong and happy marriage.

You refuse to get legally married, bible states you need legal marriage the Bible clearly states that all believers are to submit to their government in all things (Rom. 13:1-7). The only exception is in cases that submission to authority requires us to disobey the greater law of God (Acts 4:19-20, 5:27-29).

You say you do not want legal bindings because you will lose benefits: HEAP, STAR, FS, insurance. This is welfare fraud. By dong this you basically put a value on me, saying “you are only worth what benefits I will lose if I marry you.” Which is sad, you do not put a high value on me at all. I am not worth much to you. You also are telling God you do not trust Him to provide for your needs, shutting God out, turning your back on Him and losing His blessings. No wonder you feel He is not listening, you pushed God away.

You have me lie and tell people i am a relative, even knowing I am uncomfortable with this. Bible states protect your wife, keep her pure, do not lie, you will lose your blessings, God cannot come and answer your prayers and be with you if you have shut Him out with sin. If you are a husband, you should be thoughtful of your wife. Treat her with honor, because she isn’t as strong as you are, and she shares with you in the gift of life. Then nothing will stand in the way of your prayers.

You tell me you are not in love with me, this is against sanctity of marriage. In 5 years I cannot find one time you wrote (or said) “I love you” it is always “love ya.” So impersonal. If you are not in love with someone, let them find someone who will cherish her and prize her. It is selfish for you to have me “because I am trainable” when I could have eventually found true partnership with someone who is in love with me. You took away my joy and trust. Never marry unless you cannot live without that person, then work on that marriage.

You tell me you put your children first, the Bible is very clear on that matter: “Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” All of one’s heart, soul, and strength is to be committed to loving God, making Him the first priority. If you are married, your spouse comes next. A married man is to love his wife as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). Christ’s first priority—after obeying and glorifying the Father—was the church. Here is an example a husband should follow: God first, then his wife.

You have told me repeatedly this is your house and your kids get it when you die. You are supposed to make me feel safe, it is your husband duty, you did not. Selfishness is a marriage killer. For many men they think they are better than their wife simply because they are men. These men have made a serious judgment error. Husbands, tell your wife how important and valuable she is to you. Watch for the loving smile on her face when you do! The Proverbs writer said, “An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain.” Prov 31:10-11 Notice how the wise husband trusts his wife’s judgments and realizes how fortunate he is to have her.

You have rejected me sexually since our wedding night, the bible states. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. Blow jobs are demeaning and you also stating that is the only way I can arouse you is hurtful. I did my wifely duty, glad to please you, but I suffered. I deserve the same joy and pleasure.

You promise to love and protect and honor me, yet keep in touch with the women you know intimately then try to lay guilt on me for being insecure. I am not insecure, you are and cannot let go of the women in your past. This is Biblical foundation 101. I talked to many male Pastors, they agree their wives would have killed them had they even tried half the stuff you pulled.

I never even looked at another man since we met, yet you let your family and others believe I cheated on you when we were apart that one week. We were apart because you couldn’t commit and I gave you time to think. Be a man and tell them the truth finally.

Yes, I did check the text that day, and my eyes were opened, there was more to that text, I guess you forgot you told her you miss her and you two were talking about lying to me that you were with Mike and actually with Michele. I realized you played me for a fool, a sucker, your cash cow while you had your fun. I had outside help and dug up absolute proof you have been unfaithful since we were dating and now. I am not as dumb as you tell people, I am just quiet and hold my cards tight.

Adultery occurs in the mind and is just as evil a sin there, you have adulterated in mind and body. Talking to MsM for an hour and half when I was in Gowanda about getting together for sex and saying: “I love you” to each other. You still love her. Yes, I have proof of all this, I do not have proof of all the times when you two actually got together, but you already adulterated and you would not have been saying “I love you” to each other if you weren’t already intimate.

What got me going on her was a few incidents over the last two years where you defended her after she hurt me. Even when she called me a f-n a-hole and all the cruel things she said during that conversation you defended her over me and even agreed with her that I was psycho. You said to me “Michele is the real victim in all this,” you cannot even see how she plays you. You need to realize what you have done. You two deserve each other.

Oh and the lying, I hear you lie about things you don’t even have to lie about, you are quite the manipulator. You had me believing you, except that still small voice kept screaming to me “wake up!”

Abuse comes in many different forms. Throwing the Bible up at your wife as a weapon to keep her behaving the way you want. Indifference to your wife’s life and thoughts and hopes and dreams. Indifference is saying everything is fine in our relationship because it suits you, even though your wife is trying to tell you we need to talk. Indifference is not hearing your wife, always having something else to listen to or pay attention to instead of her. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. Indifference also comes forth when you tell your wife you will be fine without her, as you have said many times over the years. Deceit and lies, whether making her lie; or if you are lying, as in our sham of a marriage knowing she feels sinful about it. Dependence, creating a situation where your wife is dependent on you OR you rescue your wife and then need to keep her in a needy mode out of fear that once she is rescued she won’t need you anymore. Financial abuse, not letting your wife have a bank account, controlling all the money, lying about the amount of money you have. Emotional abuse: telling her she is nagging when she has not nagged, telling her she is insecure, constantly letting her know she goofed up again. Have you heard me say “Tell me when I do something right.” Didn’t that make you stop and think something is not right is your actions?

You have a saying, let me paraphrase: if you break up with a person it might be their problem. But if you go through many people, then perhaps you should look in the mirror. I get along great with everyone except you and some of your family (but they only know what you tell them). I know the problem is not with me. I have had only 1 boyfriend, 1 husband for 30 years, and you. Everyone loves me. And right now I have a huge and fantastic support network.

Do a favor, do not get married again, not until you work out whatever problems plague you. Or go back with S (his ex wife), she has been with you since you were so young. She has actual reasons to feel the anger she does, apologize for the hurt you laid on her. Apologize for the mental cruelty and manipulations and accusations you falsely laid on her. Sherry is a gem of a woman who has been badly hurt by you and didn’t deserve it. Love her and allow her to start healing and trusting again. She will come to desire a you in her life. But do not be so overbearing and controlling, marriage is 50/50. You expect some TV version of marriage that is unrealistic. I tried my best, but no woman can be who you want. I lost myself trying to be what you want. I used to be so confident and happy and secure, and I will get that way again. I love me, I love life. I have a place in my heart for you. But we have gone as far as I can ever go.

Have a blessed life. Goodbye.

-B-

“Do you really love life?
Do you want to be happy?
Then stop saying cruel things
and quit telling lies.
11 Give up your evil ways
and do right,
as you find and follow
the road that leads
to peace.
12 The Lord watches over
everyone who obeys him,
and he listens
to their prayers.
But he opposes everyone
who does evil.”

Walking on Eggshells

Even st our wedding he wouldnt look me in the eyes and that night refused sex. spent the morning of our wedding talking to Wanda. States he has no desire for me. I walk on eggshells for years now.

God’s Design for Marriage (Genesis 2:18-25)

God designed marriage to meet our need for companionship and to provide an illustration of our relationship with Him.

The name used for God, translated “LORD [Yahweh] God” (2:18, 19, 21, 22) emphasizes His covenant relationship with His people. Genesis 1 refers to God as “Elohim,” emphasizing His power as the Creator. Genesis 2 refers to Him as the LORD God, showing that the powerful Creator is also the personal God who cares for His creatures. This caring, personal God knew that the man He created had a need, and so He took action to meet that need.

1. God designed marriage to meet the human need for companionship.

When you read Genesis 1 & 2, the words of 2:18 hit abruptly: “It is not good for the man to be alone.” Throughout chapter one, God surveys His work and pronounces it good (1:10, 12, 18, 21, 25, 31). This is the first time God says that something in His creation is not good: “It is not good for the man to be alone.”

Sometimes super-spiritual people say that if you’re lonely, there must be something wrong with your spiritual life. But God acknowledges our need not only for fellowship with Him, but also with a life partner. This is not to say that every person needs to be married. Everyone spends many years of life as a single person. God has called some to remain single (1 Cor. 7:7-9). Nor is it to say that marriage will meet all our needs for companionship. Married people need friends of the same sex. But it is to say that a main reason God designed marriage was to meet the human need for companionship. First, we must affirm:

A. GOD DESIGNED MARRIAGE.

That means that He knows best how it should operate. His Word gives us the principles we need for satisfying marriages. Since God designed marriage, it takes three to make a good marriage: God, the man, and the woman.

God made the woman to be a helper “suitable for” (lit. = “corresponding to”) the man. The picture is that the woman is the missing part of the man. Just as a jigsaw puzzle is incomplete if half the pieces are missing, so a man is incomplete without his wife. God designed it so that the man needs the woman and the woman needs the man (see 1 Cor. 11:11). Both are equal persons and yet have distinct roles to fulfill.

God first made Adam feel the need for a wife.  God sometimes makes us endure loneliness so that when the need is met, we appreciate it more. God prepares us to receive His gifts and then provides for our needs. We need to thank God for the partner He has given us and express our appreciation to that partner. God designed marriage, including your marriage.

This account of the first marriage also plainly teaches that God designed marriage to include sex.  These verses teach us something important about God: He is not opposed to our enjoyment of sex within marriage. It creates major problems when we violate His design for His gift. We need to regard marriage and sex in marriage as God’s good gift, designed for our pleasure, to meet our deepest needs for human companionship. In the context of marriage, we can thankfully enjoy what God has given.

B. GOD DESIGNED MARRIAGE TO MEET OUR NEED FOR COMPANIONSHIP.

 He shows that to fulfill our need for companionship, marriage must be a primary, permanent, exclusive, and intimate relationship.

 A man must leave father and mother in order to cleave to his wife to establish a one flesh relationship. This means that the marriage relationship is primary, not the parent-child relationship. The cord must be cut. The best way to be a good parent to your children is to be a good husband to their mother or a good wife to their father. Marriage must be primary.

Your children are with you in the home a few years; your partner is with you for life. “Cleave” means to cling to, to hold to, as bone to skin. It means to be glued to something–so when you get married, you’re stuck! After Jesus quoted this verse, He added, “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matt. 19:6).

This means that the marriage relationship must be built primarily on commitment, the foundation of marriage is a commitment of the will. It is a covenant before God (Mal. 2:14; Prov. 2:17). Commitment is what holds a couple together through the difficulties that invariably come.

(3) Companionship requires that marriage be an exclusive relationship. One man, one woman for life. This means that when you get married, you give up close friendships with women other than your wife. You give up your freedom to go out with the guys whenever you choose. You have a new relationship with your wife; she is now your first priority in terms of human relationships. If you can’t handle that, you aren’t mature enough for the demands of marriage.

(4) Companionship requires that marriage be an intimate relationship. “And they shall become one flesh.” One flesh emphasizes the sexual union (1 Cor. 6:16). But the sexual union is always more than just physical. There is relational and emotional oneness as well. Most sexual problems in marriage stem from a failure of total person intimacy. Sexual harmony must be built on the foundation of a primary, permanent, exclusive relationship that is growing in trust, openness, and oneness. God made us that way.

If you remove sex from the context of the marriage commitment, you will experience a superficial sense of closeness.

Sin always hinders intimacy, even in marriage.

But God didn’t design marriage just so that we could be happy and have our needs met. He designed marriage to be a testimony for Him. Godly marriages bear witness of what it means to know God.

2. God designed marriage to provide an illustration of our relationship with Him.

The Bible says that God created marriage for a purpose bigger than itself: Marriage is a picture of the believer’s relationship with God. After discussing marriage and quoting Genesis 2:24, Paul writes, “This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church” (Eph. 5:32). Marriage is an earthly picture of the spiritual relationship that exists between Christ, the bridegroom, and the church, His bride. The consummation of a marriage is referred to in the Bible as a man knowing his wife; even so, we can know Christ our bridegroom. A husband and wife are one flesh; we are one spirit with the Lord (1 Cor. 6:17). Just as the church is to be subject to Christ, so the wife is to be subject to her husband. Just as Christ loves the church, so a husband is to love his wife. Just as the marital union results in children, so the union of the Lord and His church is to result in many offspring, to God’s glory.

      “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them” (

Colossians 3:19

      “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers” (

1 Peter 3:7

      God loves His daughters and the children they bear. When He gives one of His daughters to a man, He desires that the man cares for her. In no place does Scripture teach or endorse that women and children be considered second rate or inferior to men. Instead, He finds them so precious that He asks for special care to be given them; a care that only biblically-based men can provide. Women are very capable of taking care of themselves. However, God did make men and women different and thus due to the physical nature and strength God gave men, He has charged them with the provision and protection of their families.
        The physical nature and strength of a man is to be managed with grace and gentleness. God did not create men to lord over women nor did he create women to simply wait on men. He made them both to complement each other through healthy companionship.
        The role of the husband in the Bible is fulfilled through the heart of companionship.

Ephesians 5:25-33

        says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
        The relationship between a husband and a wife is meant to be one of love, respect, and support. They are to help each other.

. 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 addresses this, “But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” When the needs of our spouse are properly met through healthy companionship, the two can help each other and can live a successful life together.