My New Life…7 Weeks and 6 Days later BB

I moved an hour away 7 weeks and 6 days ago. It took until last week to get medically cleared to work and finally start a job. I have a room in a Rescue Apartment for Women in a Ministry House. I have firm support and firm boundaries, I have a very structured and rigid life I have to live, due to my abused past and I am so fragile I am apt to make a stupid decision. I follow God and read God’s Word and volunteer. Pretty much all my waking time is taken either with work, study, volunteer time, working for the Pastor directly, or Bible/God time. I am given exercises to follow and assignments according to my walk with God. My Pastor treats everyone in her Ministry according to their place on their walks with God, and also considers their abilities. It is a peaceful life, and I visit my kids and grandsons as often as I can. I am working on Divorce Care Course, Strength and Dignity Course, Bondage Breaker Course, preparing for a Beth Moore Believing God Bible Study I am supposed to lead. I am also continuing my Ministry Courses, but I slowed down the pace to adjust to the inner self growth, which must take precedence for now. In a week I start actual one-on-one counseling with a female Christian Therapist. The tears have lessened, the checking my old email to see if he wrote is lessening, the looking out the window is lessening – to see if he came to apologize and have us start a new and Biblical life. No snail mail will be coming either, no roses or notes tucked in my door are coming. I have been accepting more and more he never loved me, he loved the fact he could control me and my money. I was like his dead mom he loved but hated for not protecting him since he was a 3 years old; and he became his dead abusive stepfather whom he hated and still hates. I still have not (and may never) look at any other man since the day I met him in June 2011. I will always love him, and I am not sure why. Perhaps he is so like my father and controlling abuse equaled love. My parents still have a very destructive relationship. Us 5 kids often say “It’s amazing we survived!” I think it is our motto!

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