The Final Goodbye…A Sad End to an Emotionally Destructive Relationship

2 months later….

I had surgery December 31, 2016…I pushed it, I knew I had to leave and needed it all done prior. By that time the ulcers had spread from my mouth through my small intestines and large intestines, my gall bladder had quit and they found a lot of scar tissue. My relationship was failing and twice that last couple weeks I was “almost shot, I thought you were a burglar.” simply for walking around my own house and he knew I was home but thought I was napping, I must have walked in on him about to call his GF or dibbling back in his old addictions. The fact that the threats were real tells me he was decompensating and there was a serious dangerous shift in his mind and to my safety. His personality really changed from manipulative and controlling to bipolar and frighteningly dangerous. I was terrified! He also told me he could no longer sleep with me as my pain was stopping him from getting the sleep he needed. He took to getting in my face to say “I can’t stand being around you!” Over and over!!!! My counselor told me this was one of the worst cases of emotional abuse he had seen. His advice: “RUN!” I tried arguing all this was my fault and I was in counseling to become a better more submissive wife. LOL. WOW!!!!!!! That was in November, it took listening to the tapes I had made of this man I loved with all my heart, listening to him tell others continually and with increasing hatred about his feelings about me and how he wanted out, and bragged how he even was cruel to me and told me how he couldn’t stand being around me, there was pride in his voice. His poor friends were actually trying to tell him that even they could tell he was wrong and were aghast he treated me like that. They were there when he treated his ex like that and were trying to show him that I had reason to be acting like I was due to his behaviour and being threatened to be shot and his bragging about his female friends and my being too ill and my not working. His being offended at me for MY not working! The man who brags about getting away with welfare fraud and living off the system is upset about me not working for 3 months because I was too ill! We were fine when I was bringing in the bucks and I was gone all day so he could cheat on me and spend my money on those women and when I was paying for trips to Alaska, Texas, Florida for the winter and I payed for an RV and we circles America 3 times, and all the toys my money paid for: pickup truck, boat, RV, wood splitter, camping equipment, EVERY toy he wanted, tools for him and his son (who also was encouraged to live off his girlfriend and the system and then live a double life, listening to father encourage son opened my eyes to what was going on. He also encouraged his other son to do the same. Then blamed his ex, their mother for any failures in the kids. He could not see his actions were detrimental and allowed for Satan to steal his kids.) After my surgery I spent the week at my daughter’s, since he did not me around, I needed to recover from surgery!!!. The recorders were in the living room and bedroom, he found the one in the living room and turned it off. I really never checked either one, I just do not care what is on either, I image the slut and he had sex and I do not want to hear that, I am sure he and she made some rude recordings on the living room one not realizing they had shut it off, I really don’t care to hear the hatred on either. He was going to sell my RV after doctoring the title, when I was at my daughter’s,. He discovered my titles were gone, and my savings were gone. I had gotten a safety deposit box for my papers. So I came home with a moving truck and a bunch of helpers on Saturday when he was usually gone with his playmates. He had figured it out and was home. I told him I was leaving and gave him a chance to stop me, to tell me we could work it out. He said “it is my experience that when a woman wants to go I can’t stop her.” I said “NO! That is not true you can stop this.” He did not even try! He even helped me get my stuff out of the house, BUT he stopped me from taking my TV and my RV and a lot of my stuff and he blocked me from access to my other savings. I was SO terrified of him, I just got out with little more than my clothes and a few things from my family. He was throwing out letters and pictures, making a show tearing them up in front of me. He saved all the letters and photos from others, but mine he trashed. I knew then, he had used me and did not care at all for me. I went back a few days later with police for my RV and other stuff. He shut off the electricity to the garage, I could not even open the door, he said he didn’t know what happened. He told the police it was his house, I was just a girlfriend and I was not allowed inside. He quoted the Bible to the police, who told me they had encountered control nuts like him before, quote the Bible and abused their women. He stripped the RV, even taking the good cover and antennae and my body pillow, which screamed “I hate you.” to me. He had a few things of mine in the driveway in the rain, I put them in the RV and drove off. He is keeping the rest, refusing to give back my things and savings to me. God will replace what the locusts have taken. I waited a few days and mailed the letter I had written and rewritten over the last month prior::::he wrote me an email after getting this letter to say “I won’t show anyone what you wrote, I don’t want to embarrass you like that.” He has a real separation from reality!!!! So here it is:::::

Dear (Husband),

This decision did not come without a lot of thought, in fact a few years of thought, but you needed me to support you this past year, so I set aside things to be there for you. There are so many issues we have had, but every time I tried to talk to you, you refused to listen or hear. We could have resolved all this back when and had a strong and happy marriage.

You refuse to get legally married, bible states you need legal marriage the Bible clearly states that all believers are to submit to their government in all things (Rom. 13:1-7). The only exception is in cases that submission to authority requires us to disobey the greater law of God (Acts 4:19-20, 5:27-29).

You say you do not want legal bindings because you will lose benefits: HEAP, STAR, FS, insurance. This is welfare fraud. By dong this you basically put a value on me, saying “you are only worth what benefits I will lose if I marry you.” Which is sad, you do not put a high value on me at all. I am not worth much to you. You also are telling God you do not trust Him to provide for your needs, shutting God out, turning your back on Him and losing His blessings. No wonder you feel He is not listening, you pushed God away.

You have me lie and tell people i am a relative, even knowing I am uncomfortable with this. Bible states protect your wife, keep her pure, do not lie, you will lose your blessings, God cannot come and answer your prayers and be with you if you have shut Him out with sin. If you are a husband, you should be thoughtful of your wife. Treat her with honor, because she isn’t as strong as you are, and she shares with you in the gift of life. Then nothing will stand in the way of your prayers.

You tell me you are not in love with me, this is against sanctity of marriage. In 5 years I cannot find one time you wrote (or said) “I love you” it is always “love ya.” So impersonal. If you are not in love with someone, let them find someone who will cherish her and prize her. It is selfish for you to have me “because I am trainable” when I could have eventually found true partnership with someone who is in love with me. You took away my joy and trust. Never marry unless you cannot live without that person, then work on that marriage.

You tell me you put your children first, the Bible is very clear on that matter: “Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” All of one’s heart, soul, and strength is to be committed to loving God, making Him the first priority. If you are married, your spouse comes next. A married man is to love his wife as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). Christ’s first priority—after obeying and glorifying the Father—was the church. Here is an example a husband should follow: God first, then his wife.

You have told me repeatedly this is your house and your kids get it when you die. You are supposed to make me feel safe, it is your husband duty, you did not. Selfishness is a marriage killer. For many men they think they are better than their wife simply because they are men. These men have made a serious judgment error. Husbands, tell your wife how important and valuable she is to you. Watch for the loving smile on her face when you do! The Proverbs writer said, “An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain.” Prov 31:10-11 Notice how the wise husband trusts his wife’s judgments and realizes how fortunate he is to have her.

You have rejected me sexually since our wedding night, the bible states. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. Blow jobs are demeaning and you also stating that is the only way I can arouse you is hurtful. I did my wifely duty, glad to please you, but I suffered. I deserve the same joy and pleasure.

You promise to love and protect and honor me, yet keep in touch with the women you know intimately then try to lay guilt on me for being insecure. I am not insecure, you are and cannot let go of the women in your past. This is Biblical foundation 101. I talked to many male Pastors, they agree their wives would have killed them had they even tried half the stuff you pulled.

I never even looked at another man since we met, yet you let your family and others believe I cheated on you when we were apart that one week. We were apart because you couldn’t commit and I gave you time to think. Be a man and tell them the truth finally.

Yes, I did check the text that day, and my eyes were opened, there was more to that text, I guess you forgot you told her you miss her and you two were talking about lying to me that you were with Mike and actually with Michele. I realized you played me for a fool, a sucker, your cash cow while you had your fun. I had outside help and dug up absolute proof you have been unfaithful since we were dating and now. I am not as dumb as you tell people, I am just quiet and hold my cards tight.

Adultery occurs in the mind and is just as evil a sin there, you have adulterated in mind and body. Talking to MsM for an hour and half when I was in Gowanda about getting together for sex and saying: “I love you” to each other. You still love her. Yes, I have proof of all this, I do not have proof of all the times when you two actually got together, but you already adulterated and you would not have been saying “I love you” to each other if you weren’t already intimate.

What got me going on her was a few incidents over the last two years where you defended her after she hurt me. Even when she called me a f-n a-hole and all the cruel things she said during that conversation you defended her over me and even agreed with her that I was psycho. You said to me “Michele is the real victim in all this,” you cannot even see how she plays you. You need to realize what you have done. You two deserve each other.

Oh and the lying, I hear you lie about things you don’t even have to lie about, you are quite the manipulator. You had me believing you, except that still small voice kept screaming to me “wake up!”

Abuse comes in many different forms. Throwing the Bible up at your wife as a weapon to keep her behaving the way you want. Indifference to your wife’s life and thoughts and hopes and dreams. Indifference is saying everything is fine in our relationship because it suits you, even though your wife is trying to tell you we need to talk. Indifference is not hearing your wife, always having something else to listen to or pay attention to instead of her. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. Indifference also comes forth when you tell your wife you will be fine without her, as you have said many times over the years. Deceit and lies, whether making her lie; or if you are lying, as in our sham of a marriage knowing she feels sinful about it. Dependence, creating a situation where your wife is dependent on you OR you rescue your wife and then need to keep her in a needy mode out of fear that once she is rescued she won’t need you anymore. Financial abuse, not letting your wife have a bank account, controlling all the money, lying about the amount of money you have. Emotional abuse: telling her she is nagging when she has not nagged, telling her she is insecure, constantly letting her know she goofed up again. Have you heard me say “Tell me when I do something right.” Didn’t that make you stop and think something is not right is your actions?

You have a saying, let me paraphrase: if you break up with a person it might be their problem. But if you go through many people, then perhaps you should look in the mirror. I get along great with everyone except you and some of your family (but they only know what you tell them). I know the problem is not with me. I have had only 1 boyfriend, 1 husband for 30 years, and you. Everyone loves me. And right now I have a huge and fantastic support network.

Do a favor, do not get married again, not until you work out whatever problems plague you. Or go back with S (his ex wife), she has been with you since you were so young. She has actual reasons to feel the anger she does, apologize for the hurt you laid on her. Apologize for the mental cruelty and manipulations and accusations you falsely laid on her. Sherry is a gem of a woman who has been badly hurt by you and didn’t deserve it. Love her and allow her to start healing and trusting again. She will come to desire a you in her life. But do not be so overbearing and controlling, marriage is 50/50. You expect some TV version of marriage that is unrealistic. I tried my best, but no woman can be who you want. I lost myself trying to be what you want. I used to be so confident and happy and secure, and I will get that way again. I love me, I love life. I have a place in my heart for you. But we have gone as far as I can ever go.

Have a blessed life. Goodbye.

-B-

“Do you really love life?
Do you want to be happy?
Then stop saying cruel things
and quit telling lies.
11 Give up your evil ways
and do right,
as you find and follow
the road that leads
to peace.
12 The Lord watches over
everyone who obeys him,
and he listens
to their prayers.
But he opposes everyone
who does evil.”

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