Quiet day at home alone, listened to a recording where he talks to MsM about them getting together for “cuddle” and he mentions should I die he will give my kids half the money I have set aside for them, “the price of business.” Well, now any money is out of here and he has no access to it. He refuses to be truthful about how much money he has set aside, but he is willing to tell this woman about every penny he has and I have. My poor daughter is so afraid I will end my life over all this. I am more worried about having it ended for me by him or MsMF. I am in no way suicidal. Life is too good and I am surrounded by such a great support network. All MY family (of origin and the ones I birthed) are behind me and offering their homes open to me to resettle and get safe (sanity safe, I think I am OK otherwise.) My friend Ang has an apartment and new job for me. What are my resolutions? How about clarification and clearing of the clouds to reveal the truth that has been in front of my eyes but I have been too afraid to look at, as a result I have been thinking I was crazy. Nope, I am sane, my husband is crazy and controlling and manipulative and a punk. He is a loose wire at this point, I have seen him up and down and I swear he is still bipolar, but refuses medications. I need to write out 5 years of this relationship that have made me nuts.
First we are dating, he goes off to Vegas with his ex, whom he still refers to as his wife after about 15 years of divorce. I don’t text and let the vacation stand, he wonders why I didn’t text, as if I had done something bad, my pastor’s wife told me not to and he said “you always do what you are told?” yup. Then he misses a few dinner dates, says he never got the texts, his phone does that. It never did that after we were married – same phone and service. He goes on about how faithful he is, silly me, I trust him, although that voice in my head says NO! Then that voice says “no, you are insecure because John cheated on you. that is what my husband keeps saying.” Sure enough I found out this past year that he cheated on me the entire time with W.D., W.C., E.T. M.F. and Linda. He went to visit his sister in Florida for 2-3 weeks and after the first week he turned his phone off for the duration, when he got back I did not know for a few days, and later found out he was spending time with WC and ET. So after a year of dating I am saying “I love you” and getting the cold shoulder in return, so I stop talking to him, I do not know what else to do. A week later he calls to congratulate me on my new boyfriend, I am confused, I have not even looked at any guy since I met my husband, I told him. He rushed to my house, tells me he loves me and he is crying and I am happy. OK, so all is well, then he asks me to marry him. BUT BUT BUT because of his disability status and financial benefits we cannot marry legally and he tells me that our grandparents and going back just married before a minister. It will help us as we grow old, because married people face more tax penalties. I stupidly believe him. Now I feel that I have a price on my head, I am worth to him only what money and benefits he get by not being married to me. He doesn’t love me more than anything and desires to protect me, he loves me just enough to still keep his benefits, free clothes closet, food stamps, HEAP, STAR. We find a Minister through Unity Church, a non-denominational church that my husband approves of, he checked the credentials. None of the pastors we deal with will marry us. So we go with her, but she says she cannot mention Man and Wife without legal papers. My husband assures me this is OK, and we have a commitment ceremony. Now I realize how foolish I was, hoping he would change his mind and we would get legally hitched. Unity church does not believe is Jesus as our Savior, and we are pronounced as “committed to be a couple.” Nothing more. I so badly wanted to be an obedient wife, subservient, and my husband seems so relieved and happy to have finally found me, a prize wife he searched decades for. I felt special!!!! Our wedding night, mind you I held off until we were married, our wedding night I got dolled up in a special nightly, he rolled over and said “NO.” Then said it more gruffly and went to sleep. The next morning I figured OK, but his friend shows up at 7 and we are off on a motorcycle ride all day, and early to SLEEP that night too. I cried, then I begged, and a day or two later he allowed me to have sex. He was hot and having trouble, he says, and then stated he “lost his desire.” Things got worse after that, it became a game of me begging, him refusing and saying I was turning him off, unlady like, not biblical, he is tired…..and right before sleep he would say so sweetly “you still love me, right?” Then night kisses were an issue, and “I love you” before bed got chalked up to I am insecure, needy, clingly, smothering. then Nit Picking and nagging entered the vocabulary. I was literally going crazy trying to be a Biblical wife and accepted, this was so new to me, I bent over backwards to do it right. My house went into short sale, so he had me close all my bank accounts and money market accounts and let him handle all my money using his account, I was not to have an account, it was best for us. I changed my name, he had me say that I was using a family name, like a grandma. He still has me tell people we are relatives, not married. Did he ever love me at all? What do I mean to him? Does he love me just as a friend? Our bills are kept separate, 2 file cabinets, he had no interest in joining our lives into one, everything was kept separate. I was hurting pretty badly all the time, wondering what I could do to make his desire me sexually and as a wife. He said I should smile more, support him more, let him be a man, do not nag, do not joke so much, be more serious; and mostly just be myself. WOAH!!! This is no joke, he had tore me down and made my mind crazy mush and confused in a few short years. He kept texting and having coffee with his old girlfriends and was getting more angry at me for being insecure about it. One woman MsM he was not letting me say anything bad about, he defended her to the end, and when she called me a F**A**H** he defended HER, saying “oh well, she calls her mother that too.” I said what if she called YOUR mother that, he would get angry, I said then how about me, your wife? He was quite upset with my nit-picking. the latest is “You know the only victim here is MsM, she lost a good friend and confidant when I married you.” He did it , he DEFENDED HER OVER ME. then over summer MsW was at a carnival we were at and he said hi, we were with his sister and MsW was quietly talking about me to her, saying “he says she gets overly jealous, so we have to be careful.” Then his sister lied to me and denied it, saying I was “crazy like her own husband, that’s not good, that’s not good.” I began taking Christian Wife courses online to be a better wife so he would be proud and desire me and our marriage would be good, I was learning submissiveness. He was responding a little, then his son died. So we spent a year with him in deep grief, missing his one son and worried about another. He began saying “your family is yours and mine is mine.” He let me know his kids came before me and his ex needed his protection since she was hurting. OK, I backed off. I felt more and more pushed away, but I didn’t understand what he was going through. I felt selfish anytime I had any need. This past several months he became even more difficult, now I can’t even open my mouth without being told I was nagging, driving him crazy, he is going to snap if I don’t stop. I got The Trust Dare, read the Bible on submission, smiled all the time, held my tongue, did whatever he asked, did not bug about wanting sex, offered oral which was the only sex he allowed, with occasional finish in my favor (but only the finish) You know I have not yet had naked sex with him. He sleeps with a pillow between us. he usually keeps his back to me. Lately he has been turning over and putting his arm draped across me. I am afraid to ask for more or upset him or bug him. Then he got a text from MsM “Just tell her you are at your son’s house and come over.” HMMMmmm…. NEW BALL GAME folks! Yes, I began listening, electronic ears. He is bashing me to EVERYONE! “She is driving me nuts, I don’t know how much more of her I can take, she is nagging me non stop, she won’t stop, I have to get away, I told her she has to stop, I was going to go to Florida just to escape her, to get away, she’s crazy.” I heard MsM (remember the one he defends to me?) Call me really horrible terrible names I can’t repeat, and he tells her “I know, I can’t take her.” … and on and on. He tells his sister he is going to sleep with MsM, MsE, and MsW. He says he is not inlove with me, never was. He told me that too, and when I asked if he would tell me about his past or share parts of his life or secrets or trusts he irritatedly and emphatically refused. “NO and don’t ask again.” He does not share what happens with family or friends “I don’t feel like repeating myself.” In the past I learned about his one son from MsM. I guess she has his heart. Anyhow, I digress. So his sister says she hates my guts ever since I cheated on him. WHAT???? I never even looked at another man since we met. My husband sympathizes with her. Again..WHAT???? Oh, they bashed me and my reputation pretty completely. I love being innocent of all this, I have yet to figure out how I am nit-picking and nagging. I have done neither! I feel like he is intentionally trying to make me crazy with power and manipulation. some stupid ego trip. I really think he is bipolar. I can’t take much more of this. Oh yay, he is home.
So I should write a note a long complete note. He should understand, because he will blame me, that I have been through 3 men in my entire ENTIRE life time; and he has been through…..oh many females. If He went through just me, it could be me that is the problem, but to go through so many women, I would say it is time to look long and hard into the mirror. Did his stepdad say really mean things to Jean? Does my husband even know how mean he can be? Did his stepdad complain his mom nit-picked and nagged? I read old facebook posts from past women after they were done with my husband, they ALL mentioned being accused of nagging, and they ALL were perplexed, having not nagged at all. I KNOW I did not nag! I was stating facts that a husband does not text, call, meet up with, defend, allow them to slam your wife, or make advances with other women and most especially those women he has a relationship with in the past. I also found out that he was still sexually active up to the morning of our wedding …. sorry…our commitment ceremony. Pack it all – motorcycle, bike, RV, truck, car….and the house and garage and planters, and xmas tree and plastic chairs…. in one trip out and leave. All the paperwork too!!!!! Titles and all. Change address. then go through each bill and change each address, get my Texas license back. Get both laptops and TV and Roku….. OK UHaul for Bike, bicycle, planters, recliner, file cabinet and bed mattress, white plastic chairs. Just the top, he can keep the boxspring. I need drivers for the RV, truck, car and UHaul.
I felt like I was such a horrible wife, trying harder and harder to submit and giving away who I am to do so. I was going crazy, praying for God to take me. Trying harder to be more attractive to induce desire. Concentrating on cooking his way so he would not criticize my cooking. Cleaning every last hair out of the bathroom and water splash on the sink so I would not have to hear about it. If he is out I am not allowed to call him, I have to text him, NOT call!!! Staying upstairs in the morning and downstairs at night longer so he can have his quiet time, and not feel smothered. I could not please my husband. Being quiet in general, trying to be very careful what words I used, how I stated things so it didn’t get misinterpreted. Not asking “stupid”questions that made him crazy: like can you help me make the bed? Did you already take your shower? Would you like anything to drink? All have angered him: all he heard said the wrong way and assumed I was being stupid. Does he know how immature he sounds complaining about these things? I have to measure out my words, and still am not sure which will cause his to feel angered or nagged or that I am stupid. I find myself saying “just tell me when I do something right.” Man, I picked a second husband just like the first. I am DONE with me!!!!! I am so grateful that I was shown God does not approve of any husband treating His wife is such a way. I realize how abused and controlled I have been. I read the Bible, I read the way a husband acts, I know he was not acting that way, he was acting in sin, being a bully instead of a husband. Hurting me and I think he enjoys the control. He chose our song to be “I love how you love me.” I was so excited about it, now I realize he loves the way that I love him, there is no reciprocation of love towards me.
Then he is so sweet and confuses me all the more. I was quiet, now he is sweet. Still no romance. His idea of taking care of me is the daily day to day with no extra compliments or him saying I love you first, “why should I say it? You know I love you.” Man I am a nervous mess. I have such ulcers all through my stomach, they are trying to heal, but the emotional abuse I am living keeps heaping more acid on them. He feels he can talk about my kids. I have not said anything derogatory about his. My kids are great, his have real issues. My grandsons are disciplined, have manners, are very smart and well educated, have attentive parents.
700 Club is on, I was reading a text from Ang just as the prophecy and healing section of 700 club started and they said “I see someone named Ang, or Angie but it isn’t her, it is someone in her group. I see darkness, it is very dark. Jesus wants you to have His salvation and joy. Life up your hands and claim Jesus Salvation and joy.” I have to pray very hard about this, do I want to leave, will I leave for real???? I have to be SURE!!!! I can’t be wishy washy, I just can’t!!! It is very dark here. This is a dark time. Ed cannot think he can sin and God will forgive him over and over, just as I also live the same standards. Our lives cannot be blessed by living a lie of marriage to save money. Our lives cannot be blessed by him putting his kids before us, by not being in love with me, by controlling instead of loving his wife, by not living God’s word about being a husband.
Even st our wedding he wouldnt look me in the eyes and that night refused sex. spent the morning of our wedding talking to Wanda. States he has no desire for me. I walk on eggshells for years now.
God’s Design for Marriage (Genesis 2:18-25)
God designed marriage to meet our need for companionship and to provide an illustration of our relationship with Him.
The name used for God, translated “LORD [Yahweh] God” (2:18, 19, 21, 22) emphasizes His covenant relationship with His people. Genesis 1 refers to God as “Elohim,” emphasizing His power as the Creator. Genesis 2 refers to Him as the LORD God, showing that the powerful Creator is also the personal God who cares for His creatures. This caring, personal God knew that the man He created had a need, and so He took action to meet that need.
1. God designed marriage to meet the human need for companionship.
When you read Genesis 1 & 2, the words of 2:18 hit abruptly: “It is not good for the man to be alone.” Throughout chapter one, God surveys His work and pronounces it good (1:10, 12, 18, 21, 25, 31). This is the first time God says that something in His creation is not good: “It is not good for the man to be alone.”
Sometimes super-spiritual people say that if you’re lonely, there must be something wrong with your spiritual life. But God acknowledges our need not only for fellowship with Him, but also with a life partner. This is not to say that every person needs to be married. Everyone spends many years of life as a single person. God has called some to remain single (1 Cor. 7:7-9). Nor is it to say that marriage will meet all our needs for companionship. Married people need friends of the same sex. But it is to say that a main reason God designed marriage was to meet the human need for companionship. First, we must affirm:
A. GOD DESIGNED MARRIAGE.
That means that He knows best how it should operate. His Word gives us the principles we need for satisfying marriages. Since God designed marriage, it takes three to make a good marriage: God, the man, and the woman.
God made the woman to be a helper “suitable for” (lit. = “corresponding to”) the man. The picture is that the woman is the missing part of the man. Just as a jigsaw puzzle is incomplete if half the pieces are missing, so a man is incomplete without his wife. God designed it so that the man needs the woman and the woman needs the man (see 1 Cor. 11:11). Both are equal persons and yet have distinct roles to fulfill.
God first made Adam feel the need for a wife. God sometimes makes us endure loneliness so that when the need is met, we appreciate it more. God prepares us to receive His gifts and then provides for our needs. We need to thank God for the partner He has given us and express our appreciation to that partner. God designed marriage, including your marriage.
This account of the first marriage also plainly teaches that God designed marriage to include sex. These verses teach us something important about God: He is not opposed to our enjoyment of sex within marriage. It creates major problems when we violate His design for His gift. We need to regard marriage and sex in marriage as God’s good gift, designed for our pleasure, to meet our deepest needs for human companionship. In the context of marriage, we can thankfully enjoy what God has given.
B. GOD DESIGNED MARRIAGE TO MEET OUR NEED FOR COMPANIONSHIP.
He shows that to fulfill our need for companionship, marriage must be a primary, permanent, exclusive, and intimate relationship.
A man must leave father and mother in order to cleave to his wife to establish a one flesh relationship. This means that the marriage relationship is primary, not the parent-child relationship. The cord must be cut. The best way to be a good parent to your children is to be a good husband to their mother or a good wife to their father. Marriage must be primary.
Your children are with you in the home a few years; your partner is with you for life. “Cleave” means to cling to, to hold to, as bone to skin. It means to be glued to something–so when you get married, you’re stuck! After Jesus quoted this verse, He added, “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matt. 19:6).
This means that the marriage relationship must be built primarily on commitment, the foundation of marriage is a commitment of the will. It is a covenant before God (Mal. 2:14; Prov. 2:17). Commitment is what holds a couple together through the difficulties that invariably come.
(3) Companionship requires that marriage be an exclusive relationship. One man, one woman for life. This means that when you get married, you give up close friendships with women other than your wife. You give up your freedom to go out with the guys whenever you choose. You have a new relationship with your wife; she is now your first priority in terms of human relationships. If you can’t handle that, you aren’t mature enough for the demands of marriage.
(4) Companionship requires that marriage be an intimate relationship. “And they shall become one flesh.” One flesh emphasizes the sexual union (1 Cor. 6:16). But the sexual union is always more than just physical. There is relational and emotional oneness as well. Most sexual problems in marriage stem from a failure of total person intimacy. Sexual harmony must be built on the foundation of a primary, permanent, exclusive relationship that is growing in trust, openness, and oneness. God made us that way.
If you remove sex from the context of the marriage commitment, you will experience a superficial sense of closeness.
Sin always hinders intimacy, even in marriage.
But God didn’t design marriage just so that we could be happy and have our needs met. He designed marriage to be a testimony for Him. Godly marriages bear witness of what it means to know God.
2. God designed marriage to provide an illustration of our relationship with Him.
The Bible says that God created marriage for a purpose bigger than itself: Marriage is a picture of the believer’s relationship with God. After discussing marriage and quoting Genesis 2:24, Paul writes, “This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church” (Eph. 5:32). Marriage is an earthly picture of the spiritual relationship that exists between Christ, the bridegroom, and the church, His bride. The consummation of a marriage is referred to in the Bible as a man knowing his wife; even so, we can know Christ our bridegroom. A husband and wife are one flesh; we are one spirit with the Lord (1 Cor. 6:17). Just as the church is to be subject to Christ, so the wife is to be subject to her husband. Just as Christ loves the church, so a husband is to love his wife. Just as the marital union results in children, so the union of the Lord and His church is to result in many offspring, to God’s glory.
- “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them” (
- “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers” (
- God loves His daughters and the children they bear. When He gives one of His daughters to a man, He desires that the man cares for her. In no place does Scripture teach or endorse that women and children be considered second rate or inferior to men. Instead, He finds them so precious that He asks for special care to be given them; a care that only biblically-based men can provide. Women are very capable of taking care of themselves. However, God did make men and women different and thus due to the physical nature and strength God gave men, He has charged them with the provision and protection of their families.
- The physical nature and strength of a man is to be managed with grace and gentleness. God did not create men to lord over women nor did he create women to simply wait on men. He made them both to complement each other through healthy companionship.
- The role of the husband in the Bible is fulfilled through the heart of companionship.
- says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
- The relationship between a husband and a wife is meant to be one of love, respect, and support. They are to help each other.
. 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 addresses this, “But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” When the needs of our spouse are properly met through healthy companionship, the two can help each other and can live a successful life together.