Their insults have broken my heart, and I am in despair. -Psalm 69:20
5 patterns that destroy a relationship and destroy people. Reactive abuse, controlling abuse, deceit, dependence, and indifference. Even one chronically repeated makes impossible a healthy Godly marriage.
Reactive Abuse: When one or both spouse are unable to manage their negative moods, frustrations in life, or tempers in a mature way. When situations occur, eruptions occur. Sometimes abuse occurs as criticism, curse, yell, threaten, throw things, belittle, punch, slap, or even murder. Quick tempered.Then blaming the spouse for YOUR reaction. The Bible states “In your anger do not sin.” Eph 4:26.
Controlling Abuse: Plays mind games and/or use of Threats and force used to make the other give in, having no independent decision making, force submission to his headship. Ranges from mild abuse to life threatening. Abusive submission: control wife free time, how she dresses, friends, her time with her family, what she buys, how she thinks, how she acts, how she deals with HER children, how she acts: grow up, stop being so silly, how she wears her hair: long then ridiculing every hair he finds. Mentions the things she needs to work on or change, how she thinks, how she feels, who she is. Taking over someone else and forcing them to comply when she resists, giving her no choice of her own or say without being labeled as rebellious or ungodly. Me being in counselling. In a healthy marriage when a couple faces conflict of values or priorities, they talk it through, respecting each other’s perspective. Mind games: create confusion of what is real: degrade her, tell her God is on your side, humiliate her, refuse responsibility and instead blame, accuse, attack. Control the money, so she has to ask and depend on you for everything. Then create ambivalence by doing occasional small acts of kindness. Stroke her fantasy that someday things will be better. Used by the Military for soldier control. Systematic destroying of person hood, leaving her in a diminished capacity to resist, to break free, or think clearly on her own. When the woman wakes up and feels trapped in a nightmare, she slides into depression: having been captured, muzzled, restricted like a child, or buried alive: she must fight for her physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. In her clawing her way back she may appear irrational, unstable, mean, or even a little crazy; unless you know what her story is.
Deceit: He is charming and charismatic but also wily and immature, chalking up to temptation his deceit. Does not blame self. Lies and sees no problem with the lies. God will forgive and forget, so should the wife. We all excuse and rationalize little white lies, do not see the harm. Lies: with hold information to avoid conflict, challenge, or consequence. Lies: deliberately make up stories or give information that misleads, confuses, deceives, or hurts another person. The more we lie, the more trust is broken, why trust him on bigger issues? In her trying to find the truth he accuses her of nagging and nit-picking and making a big deal out of nothing. (((Spying on his phone, snooping in his drawers, constant asking who is on the phone, what was said…. He doesn’t understand why I act so crazy.)))).Being told “I am the only one that would put up with all your nagging”, accuse her of being critical and unrealistic expectations (((“think about what you are thinking about”))) Not facing up to his role and responsibilities. Telling others lies, cruel lies about her, malicious lies. Controlling abuse and deceit often work together. If you want control over someone, lying and manipulating information is one way to confuse her and control her perceptions (or other people’s perceptions about her) on what is real and what is true. Marriage is anchored on trust, and it is impossible to have a successful long-term relationship with someone you don’t trust, even is you love him. Once trust is broken, it is not easily repaired. It takes consistent effort from the one who broke the trust to earn it back, as well as a willingness to forgive by the one betrayed.
Dependence: God created us to depend on Him. Adam and Eve broke that and man is now punished. In time God regretted ever creating us humans. Other than that the only ones who are truly dependent are infants. Marriage was created with us to have a degree of independence, accepting that our husband will never be able to fill all our needs or wants. Couples work things out. Unhealthy #1: I need you to love me in order for me to be okay. The spouse puts the souse in God’s place as a foundational source for love and acceptance, to complete her, feels empty inside with no core knowledge of who she is. Is rescued. Hollywood movies are NOT real! Only God completes us. “I love how you love me.” is selfish, it only addresses how she loves him and not him loving her. I exist to care for him, exhausting trying to be me and do all he wants to be happy, I gave up on me. Unhealthy #2: I need you to need me in order for me to be okay. The same emphasis on the word “ME” but with a slightly different bent. This kind of person often functions as a rescuer, hero, fixer, or the more capable one, when in reality, he is also quiet needy but unaware of it. He uses people to feel better about himself. He does this by taking care of other peoples problems or being overly involved in people’s lives, all the while staying completely blind to his own problems. The bad thing is this person never wants you to get fixed, to be okay, because he feels you will not need him anymore. Clingy, smothering, demanding, and controlling are the signs of unhealthy dependence in one or both partners in the marriage.
Indifference: The opposite of love, not caring enough about you to give you any time, his energy, or other resources to show interest, care, or love toward you. Indifference says how you feel or what you want doesn’t matter to me. Indifference says you are not a person to love, but an object to use. Indifference says “I don’t need to change anything to make our relationship better for you if it is OK for me. Indifference says that I exist only for your benefit and when you don’t please me or benefit me anymore, you are replaceable or disposable. Marriage is a relationship where we publicly make a promise not to be indifferent.Refusing to talk about feelings, accuse her of manipulating, refusing sex and making it her fault.
Toxic is impatient and unkind. Toxic is always envious and jealous. Toxic boasts and is self-glorifying. Toxic is arrogant and proud, self-centered and rude. Toxic easily loses its temper and keeps track of all offenses and holds grudges. Toxic loves a mistake because he can tell everyone of the error and replay it over and over. Toxic runs to evil, never protects others, and gives up on people and life easily.
Retest on chapter one test:
- he sometimes-often calls me stupid “what are you stupid?”
- Mocks me and makes fun of me
- Uses the Bible against me
- sometimes to often dictates when I can see my family
- speaks poorly of me to his kids/grandkids/friends
- I don’t feel free to challenge him or disagree
- he laughs at my deep or hurt feelings, ignores me. or uses it against me.
- disregards my needs.
- accuses me of things I did not do (have affair before we were married)
- demands attention when I am busy
- does not like it when I pay attention to someone else
- we keep secrets from outside our marriage
- uses sarcasm and ridicule to get me to stop talking or change the subject or change my mind about something “This is what you are doing, this is what I want you to do”
- refuses to listen to my point of view.
- blows up when I ask questions about why he did what he did
- refuses to have sex with me
- sometimes withdraws if I do not do what he wants
- refuses to respond when i ask questions
- changes the subject when I bring up something bothering me
- ignores me for periods of time
- refuses to engage in MY family
- plays mind games with me
- says he is the one mistreated by me
- says there are no problems in our marriage, I am the one creating issues
- acts one way at home and another in public, BIPOLAR????
- double standard on behavior
- refuses to let me know how much money he has
- I have very little voice on how we spend our money, I get allowance, period! BUT he has expected me to save for the last trip, then he split the last of my allowance we didn’t spend and I got only half
- I have no idea what he does with his money, only allowed to see what checks are written, he refuses to tell me what he does with his cash
- tells me things I know are not true
- omits info so I can’t get the full story on things
- lies to others
- I feel crazy in my marriagge
- I feel afraid around him
- I feel trapped
- I can’t be myself
- I feel tense
- I feel angry
- I feel physically ill around him ULCER?
- On med to cope