Emotionally Destructive Marriage – chptr 2

The three essential ingredients in a thriving relationship:

They  do  not  fear  bad  news,  they  confidently  trust  the  Lord  to  care  for  them.   Psalm 112:7   NLT

Dear God,         I am scared. i see how important mutuality, reciprocity, and freedom are to having a healthy marriage. i want that too, but i have no idea how to make it happen. Please give me wisdom and courage not to turn back or continue to pretend everything is fine when it is not.

Many of us grew up in homes where sinful attitudes and destructive behavior are acceptable. We are so used to being mistreated or disrespected, controlled or manipulated that we don’t recognize it as such. Some with unrealistic or distorted ideas about love and marriage, believing that sexual passion makes the relationship easy.

3 essentials to thriving relationship:

  1. Mutuality: both individuals contribute specific qualities essential for care, maintenance, and repair of your marriage. these qualities are: honesty, caring, respect, responsibility, and repentance. Both need to make efforts to grow and change for each other’s welfare and preservation of the marriage. If you are the only one caring, repenting, being respectful and honest, sacrificing, and working toward being a better spouse, you could be a Godly wife, but you will NOT have a healthy or Biblical marriage. This includes conjugal rights. If there is not equality then go to God ask Him how to handle this lack of mutuality and your hurt feelings. Only God can turn this marriage around.  Our Godly attitude and actions can influence our husbands to surrender to God’s transforming work of change in our lives.
  2. Reciprocity: both give and both receive. Power and responsibility are shared. There is no double standard. Both sacrifice and both enjoy. No one has power over the other. Shared bank accounts.A wife is not a possession, she is his equal partner.
  3. Freedom: both are allowed to make choices, give input, and express your feelings without fearing you will be badgered, manipulated, and punished. Not afraid to be yourself, nor pressured to become something you are not. Freedom to respectfully disagree and challenge the others decision.

16 traits of a healthy marriage:

  1. My spouse shows care and concern for me and my needs.  sometimes no, he cleans and cooks and fixes the car…but my need for love and romance – NO
  2. My spouse has my best interest at heart? I think he thinks so, but he is not in love with me and that makes him self focused (refuses sex, refuses to put my pic on FB, lies about $$, lies about women, keeps up with old girlfriends and defends them over me, lets his family talk smack and lies about me and does not defend me.)
  3. my spouse asks my opinion about things. Depends, lots of time no. Travels yes. buying tools  no, visiting his family/friends no, refusing to go to my family events, going to his family events no
  4. My spouse trusts me. Yes, except for news about his family, his money, who texts and calls him, who he visits, where he is
  5. My spouse works with me as a partner to parent our kids. We have no kids, but I respect his advice on my kids, he wil not listen to me. no
  6. My spouse is willing to get help for our marriage. NO
  7. My spouse takes responsibility and apologizes when he is wrong. heck no
  8. My spouse asks for my opinion on things in our marriage. sometimes yes
  9. My spouse is considerate of my feelings. i really do not think he cares about my feelings.no
  10. When we have a problem, my spouse is willing t talk about it. NO
  11. My spouse uses the Bible to correct his life. YES
  12. My spouse listens to advice from wise people. Yes
  13. My spouse allows me to be myself. no, only if I am quiet and demure and serving
  14. My spouse allows me to make my own decisions. Yes
  15. My spouse allows me to disagree. NO
  16. My spouse is a good steward with our finances. YES
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