2016 is drawing to a close, I am praying and trying to remember to give it to God every time the thoughts hit how unfaithful my husband has been. I am able to not tear up easily, I am able to say to myself how God loves me no matter what, I am growing in the secure knowledge that I will be OK alone. I am talking more to God, as He is the only constant in my life. I am able to not get bunged up when his phone text rings, well….not as badly. I can look at him without adoration, he is a human full of sin and no better than I am. I will continue to watch and monitor and let him and MsMF or MsWC hang themselves. Who knows perhaps MsLD and MsETR are also players right now or recent past or since we were married 4 years ago. I am too busy trying to focus on God and refocusing on God and forcing myself to re-refocus on God to think only of what he is doing. I go through my house and garage and pack and arrange for easy take away or take notes of things to remember to bring. Will I stay or will I go? God will let me know, or I will goof up, or temporary separation or….????? Satan HAS to go, that if for sure! It doesn’t really matter to me right now about my marriage, I have a much bigger relationship to work on, my Savior and God and Lord and Abba and Love and My ALL. Without God I am paralyzed, as I have been for 56 years. For better or worse, this has been the best thing to happen to me, as odd as it sounds. I would still be worshiping my husband and not focused on my eternal life. Not focused on God! I am working on Strength and Dignity Dare and Respect Dare as well as Old Testament Survey and counselling. In two days I have surgery and will hopefully be free of excessive pain from Gallbladder death. The two ulcer medications are beginning to work and the constant stomach, esophagus, and small intestine constant pain is abating. My large intestines and pancreas still ache. My heart still aches. My right foot gets attended to next week for plantar faciitis and heel spur.
I love my husband, I am too exhausted to care right now. I need respite from the responsibility of being perfect as I learn to be responsible for me and my boundaries. Once I have a clear relationship with God and myself, then I can focus on husband. I will show him respect and smile and do as I am supposed to, the joy is not there. I leave it in God’s hands to create the environment and heart strings and healing necessary, all the answers. My husband needs to deal with his sin and his pain. I cannot any more, I cannot be pushed away further and replaced by a female stand in, who has greater standing as to what goes on his FB than I do. He has taken down photos of us and written niceties he put on his page, and got very angry at me when I asked him to put up these things. Now I know why, I heard him tell her that I was crazy and put them up and he gives up on me. The pain keeps going. I cannot afford the pain or to care. God will have to deal with his sin and his feelings toward MsMF. If he loves her so, then if God says so…he can have her. We aren’t legally married, and the commitment ceremony was done by someone who is anti-Jesus. AND I can write all this with little emotion attached. WOW, I went through this just 5 years ago with hubby #1 when he left for another woman.
AND there is no wonder why I need to make God my ONLY love and focus. If I am to be on my own for a bit, I have choices of places to stay, I have money, I have many job options, I can join J.Meyers and do foreign missions. I can sign over my vehicles and take the appropriate re-compensation. He states that money doesn’t exist anyhow. I figure RV, truck, boat, wood stove, log splitter, tools, 2 trailers, 7 cord of wood, and countless memories. He will still have close to 5 grand. I will only take a fair price, or if it goes into hiding then I will take the RV and truck, my bike and car.
See the anger is below the surface, but the dead part of me full of logic is scheming. Is that Christ like? I do not want to be foolish and a door mat. I can’t go on living like a fool. I am slapping God in the face by allowing myself to be treated as less than I am. I am denying God from the wonderful life HE has planned for me, I am settling for less by just being a door mat.
There is such a difference between being foolish and being a subservient wife. I desire to be the wife God wants me to be, to be the servant God wants me to be. Does my husband want to be MY husband? Only GOD knows!