God has me at my knees, I still wonder if I am low enough. My husband has been overheard talking to an old girlfriend, they are plotting to spend time at either her or my house for sex. I have no proof, so now I wait. I asked my Pastors what to do, since I was frozen with fear. He and she say that I need to wait and have God reveal it plainly to me. I am on my face with God. At this point I do not care either way about my marriage. In fact I have been sorting through the house and throwing away useless stuff and sorting aside my stuff ready for a quick pack and move. I have now been playing an intense game of eye-spy, which is exhausting. I listen to everything I can. I don’t even bother checking his texts, because he deletes all the ones he does not want me to read. He also does not want me to read any, or even touch his phone. The trust is not there. I feel like I am only as good as my income, and with me out of work and sick makes things very strained. He says to his sister he loves me, but not in-love with me. He says to her I am smothering him. He says to her he wants to sleep with other women to take his mind off his sick son and the one who passed 15 months ago. Guilt might be a better emotion, doesn’t he get that he will then add that burden to his brain, as well as a divorce? He and his sisters and his male and female friends talk trash about me, tear me to shreds, it is so hard to listen to, but unless I am willing to say how I know, I just gather information until I hear what I need. I tell you what, this has been quite the lesson as to why you never put anyone on a pedestal. I spent so much time focused on my husband only to be crushed. I realize he may have been cheating on my since we got married, I am not sure. Even if not sexually, he still withheld sex since our wedding night 4.5 years ago. I have to initiate and get rejected and then maybe the next day he says OK. Now I just offer oral sex about 1-2 times a week and get a yes, or get a yes if he is sure it is just oral. I think he initiated 5 times in 5 years, 3 for oral. I am a Godly wife. I am also a door mat and am taking a strength and dignity course to help. I started counselling, which infuriates my husband to no end. A Christian woman who reads the Bible does not need counselling. He lies to me about money, he accuses me of making stuff up when I ask about other women, he shows up for dinner when he wants to if he is at his friends’ house, he gets mad if I call him instead of texting him when he is out, he accuses me of nit-picking and nagging when I am not. It is like a total control game with him and I am the mouse he will play with until I die. Boy oh boy did I marry my first husband all over again. From the pan into the fire. He hides stuff, I am not sure where it is right now, it was in the trunk of his car, in the lining, I realized that when he sold his car and forgot to straighten out the lining of the trunk. I did that so he would not realize. I have to go into the garage to sort stuff anyhow, so I will take a good look. Sorting stuff without making it look like I am is not a fun task. We watched a documentary abut minimalizing, he thinks I am doing that. He care so little that he doesn’t even notice that the stuff disappearing is only mine. Today was a good day, so was yesterday. Other than him saying I need to lighten up and smile more, which I obliged, we had a pleasant day cleaning the cellar and going to church, where he actually touched my hair and held his hand on my shoulder. I wanted to cry. I talked to my pastor’s wife, I have been confiding in her, she tells my pastor and they pray for me. I just have a lot on my plate with being ill and worrying about my husband with his sons. He has his kids on such a pedestal. He forgot God I think. See, I am worried anyhow about that big galute. I do love him, it is just all wrong, from the commitment ceremony to now, it is all wrong. He rescued me from a big empty expensive house and I guess I am to act forever as his slave.?.?. I love him. I am confused. I want the whole picture of love and safety and trust. Not this selfish man who cannot love beyond himself and his kids. Ugh, I am tired and hurting. No wonder I have ulcers. He can’t even see that I have ulcers, doesn’t he wonder? I have told him I am under stress, I am worried about him after his son’s death and this other son on drugs and wanting to die. My parents are dying. My daughter lost 3 babies last year. I am ill and having surgery in a few days. Then there is the way he behaves. Yeah, stress? Hmm… What stress? So between counseling and the course Strength and Dignity and the book The Respect Dare…something has to give. I need to stand up and be a good me. Amen. Good night.