Journal Entry -BB

Day 3 since any snide comments have fallen poisonously from my lips hurting my poor Christian Husband. I have been trying to keep my words few and general and sweet. I don’t ask questions, knowing at this time he doesn’t trust me enough to share anything, and doesn’t trust me enough to not overreact. Day 6 that there has been little touch or intimacy, I have been too demanding and forward. I admit after 3 weeks I did offer him 2  episodes of oral sex to relieve my own frustration, then I insisted the first one ended in a more traditional manner. I think I ended being more upset, wishing I had waited on him. I am such a high libido. Or perhaps I think sex is a way of control, subconsciously.  Just thinking of it, I blurted out an offer of a straight BJ. He again rejected me. I have hurt him so much. Day 3 of no pouting, no matter how I feel. I am watching my facial expressions as well. I have disrespected my poor husband so much, he is beaten down instead of built up. He is a truthful honorable man and deserves the best. I have showered him with doubt, jealousy, insecurity… I lecture my sister who had marriage issues to “listen to your husband, he will tell you what is wrong.” Then I turned stone ears to my own husband. Yes, he did contribute by not protecting me against comments made by his family and female friends, but I have to place that sin on him and let God deal with him. I have certainly let him know fully how I feel about these circumstances, repeatedly. I have to stop being an ace detective trying to find something that is not there to find. I have to believe, trust, honor, obey my husband, not be a contentious wife who drives him away. I have been working on myself without really doing the work and not putting in my heart and full understanding, seeing if I can do this and still blame him. OH DEAR GOD, please change me and let my husband see and respond and want to stay married to me. Please being us close together again, mend our trust and love and make us the couple you intended us to be when you united us in marriage. He is honorable, honest, caring, hard working, peaceful, thoughtful, patient, serene, not envious or jealous, not arrogant, not rude, not easily angered, just, and enduing. I have been the opposite and desire to be the same.

  • 1 Corinthians 13:4-8Amplified Bible (AMP)

  • Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening].

  • Love never fails [it never fades nor ends]. But as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for the gift of special knowledge, it will pass away.

My pastor wife is this way, I am jealous of this, I would love to emulate her. I ask how she remains so peaceful, she just smiles. I am working at really learning to be who God wants, but the problem is I have been leaving God out and doing it myself. HA! Yes, how foolish is that. Satan decided to do it his way as well. This is really bad, the feelings of ear and insecurity, jealousy, doubt, etc have built up to gut wrenching terror, I actually developed several ulcers and am shaking all the time. I have just began praising God when ANY feelings hit, or if I have nothing to do, before I open my mouth and spew poison. I am also doing a little counselling, professional God centered Christian help from a wife who understands. Pray for all to go well.

 

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