I find it easier to just not speak for now, this is the best way to avoid confrontation and disrespect towards my husband. We have not been intimate in several weeks, I am not sure if it is getting easier for me, but being rejected is worse. I look back to when we were first married and my being overbearing and critical and emotional when he said no. If I could go back I would have been quiet and let him pursue me. I cannot go back in time, I must now leave it in God’s hands to undo the serious wrong, the emotional outbursts, the crying, the anger I showed. I leave it in God’s hands to help me to change into a woman of God, His child, daughter, wife. His creation made to serve only Him and not earthly beings. Why do I have to learn this so late in life? Why was I not born a calm serene person? I have been untrustworthy and one time have been accused of repeating something I should not have, I honestly do not remember doing this, but now my husband says he cannot trust me with information. I overreacted when some people texted him, so now he refuses to say who texts or call him. These actions on his part has lead me to lower my trust in him, What is he hiding? In a long and honest conversation we had the other day he told me “I have not done anything I should not have and I have not been anywhere I should not have. If I wanted to be with anyone else I would be. I enjoy being with you.” His demeanor told me this is true. Lately he has been saying how he used to take off in the morning and do his own thing visiting people all day. He was at his buddy’s house last night until 7:15 pm. Dinner was cold. I bit my tongue, not knowing what else to do. He caught me going thru his phone the one time I did it, actually I squealed on myself, I felt so bad. So much to lay before God. My disrespect has lead us to this place in the desert, seemingly unending hot sand everywhere without an oasis in sight. I do not know what else to do but just keep quiet, pray, and think, and reflect. Give my husband space until he feels safe to come to me, open up to me, love me. I am not sure what to do at night. He complained about being smothered and that I tend to move towards him at night.. Do I follow my usual pattern of kisses and “I love you” and rub his back? After do I roll over and give him the bed? Smothered covers day as well. How much space is enough? Peacefule wife stated perhaps there is not enough, he will reign in as the trust builds and he wants to be near me more. I have to learn trust. Trust is a big issue with me, my first husband and I had huge issues in this area, as well as my dramatic flair and his endless narcissistic behaviors and trysts and financial as well as emotional abuse. I am so afraid of ruining this marriage and ruining this man. another sin: fear and the thought I have to power over another to ruin him.
Dearest Father, I am your daughter and wife and child and created Beloved. Help me Dear Abba to be the woman You want me to be. Help me to be the wife You want me to be. Dearest Lord of all, maker and changer of all please change this marriage and make it great. Dear Healer please heal our hearts and minds and our marriage. I love you God Father, my Lord of all, my Daddy, my All. I plead to you for full restoration of my marriage. Please help, only You can work this great miracle in our lives. Amen