Idols… Ezekiel 5:9 -BB

Ezekiel 5:9 Because of your detestable idols, I will punish you like I have never punished anyone before or ever will again.

In todays culture there are idols everywhere we look, an idol is an object or a celebrity that is worshiped. To worship is to adore, cherish, and revere.  1 Corinthians 8:5-7 states: 5For even if there are so called gods, whether in heaven or on earth (as there are many so-called gods and lords), 6yet for us there is but one God, the Father,from whom all things came and for whom we exist. And there is but one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom all things came and through whom we exist. 7But not everyone has this knowledge. Some people are still so accustomed to idols that they eat such food as if it were sacrificed to an idol. And since their conscience is weak, it is defiled.

We think of idols as statues and actors and actresses, sports figures … celebrities. I went along thinking that I was fine, since I do not idolize any of these. But I was still not being blessed as I had hoped. There was still issues in my life beyond my control, I prayed, I spent endless hours thinking and controlling the situation, my relationships. An idol is any thing, person, situation, emotion, and self that you put before you put God. When we put our focus on a person, thing, situation, emotion, self we put that on a pedestal and take our full focus off God, we make that an idol. When we put our efforts into serving, holding onto, and focusing on a person out of fear of losing them, we make them and fear and all the emotions an idol. When we worry so much about our needs before others, we make ourselves idols. We cannot pray to God with the sin of idolatry clogging up our hearts. We cannot be insecure and stay in God’s protection.

I had been doing that in my marriage. My childhood was full of loss of persons and things, no emotional balance was provided in the toxic abusive environment. My father was sick with control and we children “were his slaves” and his perverse toys. My mother had deep issues and could never focus beyond herself. She had us children to show the Catholic Church she had us. I think she would have been thrilled if she could have just sent us away to good boarding schools, a bragging right to her. She also had a Munchhausen by proxy thing going, “see what a good  mother I am caring for such a sick child.” She just couldn’t give what she didn’t have. I married the first man that came along, his childhood was one of loss of parents and he was not wanted by his much older brothers and their young wives who raised him. He wrongly sought love and attention in all the wrong places; this affected me deeply as well as our children. I did everything he asked and bent over backwards to be the “perfect” wife. I did my best to raise our 3 children, I love them more than words can ever explain, I did better than I was raised with, but I did not know that I had passed on my toxicity. After 30 years we were done. I found God and was Born-Again and began to change quickly. I met and married a good Christian man, with his own past. He taught me to give it to God and to live in peace.

I had changed! I did not realize how much more God had yet to work on me. I came into this marriage with insecurities left over from 50 years. Along with insecurities was jealousy, fear, the compulsion to be perfect, and terror of doing it wrong and losing yet another person who meant so much to me. I made my husband an idol and could not understand why God was not answering my prayers, as I felt my husband react to his new seemingly unstable wife. We love each other deeply, but unable to fully give ourselves over to each other because of how I was acting. I thought it was him rejecting me, and I cried all the more and my insecurities deepened.

About 2 years later I read an article from The Peaceful Wife on 101 ways to respect your husband. God answered my prayers, but it took another 2 years before I began to fully understand. In that time we were tested big time. My stepson passed and another fell into serious illness. My daughter lost 3 babies and my son became financially strapped and had to move in with his sister. I became ill with several ulcers as a result of the stress. I was still focusing on my own needs as well as making sure every need of my husband was met. I was over analyzing everything, smothering him, and nit-picking too much. I also am doing the same thing of taking the full blame of all this upon my self; and taking the full weight of it all on my shoulders. My husband is having the worst time coping with his son’s death. He is trying to find a way to accept it and he is angry with God, at the same time trusting God. He said he is not an emotional griever, he dibbles with grieving. This is a longer process.

I am working at stepping back, giving it ALL to God. What is the worse fear I face? My husband leaving me, him not loving me. I may just force these feelings in him if I do not STOP! He is hurting and all I am doing is adding pain in my selfishness. He said today that should I ever leave/die the pain would be nothing compared to losing his son. I cannot imagine his pain. What am I doing??????? Dearest Father Abba Daddy God, help me to stop this selfish sinful behavior. I have to stop. As long as I am sinning Satan has a foothold in my life. I finally got what I have to do. I am doing it intermittently. Now to go balls to the wall and trust God. Dearest God take it, HELP ME!

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