I have been a fool, I have been reading on how to be a good wife and trying to catch on to why my husband loves me, but there seems to be a void between us. He hasn’t given me his full heart, holding back his intimate secrets. Holding back on sex, he lost his desire shortly after we were married. I have gone crazy since trying to get him to want me. The problem is I have not been acting desirable, crying and whining and being forward and begging. I put on weight. I also was nit-picking and nagging. I read and learned to let him hunt me, to be lady-like, to also offer him oral sex and always be open to his advances. I have gotten to being a jealous, fearful, slightly nagging (no I won’t admit to being badly nagging), living with a knot in my stomach. This past week I reached a new peak in my fear of not being desirable and my insecurity and scrutinizing every thing he does and asking for more. I am not sure why, but something stuck, I heard what my husband was telling me. “I love spending time with you, but you are driving me crazy. Stop nit-picking everything and tearing me apart. I don’t want to be around you sometimes. You have to push what I do to do it your way and not let me be me. Your insecurity is driving me crazy, your jealousy is unreasonable. You overthink everything and analyze it all. Stop! Just relax and let me be me. I have friends, I make new friends all the time, I keep old friends. Yes I dated a lot of women, but they were psycho and I did not want to marry them. I chose YOU to marry, to spend my life with. I can’t help if they text me and stop by. You are the one I chose, you are the one who is my huckleberry, we are peas and carrots. I love YOU.” I knew I had been pushing him away, patterning myself after my parents. We spent time with friends who were just like my parents. They were fighting and I shrank in fear, they sounded just like my parents, and just like me. YUCK! I am so ashamed, this week I have hit a peak in my fear and jealousy and insecurities. I am shaking inside and a giant knot of fear. It has been awful. Joyce Meyer and Pastor Prince and Peaceful Wife all seemed to hit the subjects of fear. I was hit on every side, but it didn’t make sense until my husband finally explained to me what he meant, I had not understood his feelings until today. He phrased it in such a way that I got it! Let go and let God. Hand it all over to God and let God take control. Stop fearing. Take the biggest most fearful step, what will happen will happen. Stop trying to control. Give it to God, no matter what you feel or think, give it to God and do NOT try to control or analyze or figure out how to do things. My husband will calm down and our marriage should get peaceful and calm and desirable. If not, then God will work on us until it does. Do not change my husband, only God can make him confront his sin and change him. Even if the worse happens, God has a a plan. I just cannot keep living in fear, and shouldn’t. The bible talks of good wives, they are quiet, as in stop controlling and correcting and doing it my way. Create peace for him and the home will be a calm desirable place to be. I should not doubt God’s plan, but I am telling God to work on me, mold me, change me, carve the sin from me. I must learn to focus on God and He will then have my husband notice me.
Oh Lord, you desire marriage to be a joyful union, a playground for adults, a secure place. Lord take from me that which is not desirable and not pleasing, change me to be what YOU desire. Help me to focus on you, keep my eyes only on you and not fear your plan for my life or my marriage. Help me to accept your plan for my life and to be gracious and loving as I learn to carry it out. Please Lord God help and change me. Lord watch over my marriage and create between my husband and I an impenetrable fortress against all outside forces and evil. Help us to keep you at our head and us both focus our eyes on you. I love you God, more than my own life. Amen.