Fear is my sin, preventing me from putting God first, -BB

Married for 4 years, for me tough years. I look back and realize this is my fault. We were friends for many months, getting to know each other. He realized he could not live without me and we were married. Prior I was busy with running my own house and career. Single for a year only, it was a busy time of adjusting for me. After we were married I expected things to be perfect, and I also put him on a pedestal. Of course it caused issues, my ex was very adulterous and cruel, so I carried the jealous atmosphere into my new marriage. I had been blamed for 30 years as the reason my ex cheated on me, so I worked hard to perfect myself, carry out all the “if I were prettier, funnier…” etc then this new husband will never leave me. He assured me I was his everything, all he ever wanted and could not find in another woman. I was insecure and let insecurities plague me. Satan had a field day. My poor husband is so patient, and thankfully I opened an email from Peaceful Wife and realized my sin and started to work at my marriage by working on my relationship with God. My parents had a very dysfunctional marriage, love equals sex, outer beauty equals the reason a husband stays. Unfortunately I was taught this same pattern through abuse laid upon me by them and reinforced by my first husband. I carried confusion and anger around for years; unfortunately into this marriage. God gave me my husband, He spoke to me, I heard Him say “this is your husband.” God is good, trust me I have a solid good husband, I just need to relax and let God. Lay my fear, insecurities, jealousy, doubt, confusion, anger, and past at the foot of the cross. I was doing well. My stepson’s death created a sadness this past year that is indescribable, I laid aside all my issues to just be there for my husband. Lately he has been lashing out, he is angry and missing his son. My insecurity has been creeping in. At the same time I began ministry courses. I believe Satan is a wee bit upset at my learning more of God’s Love and is on the attack. My parents are failing, my mother mentally and my father physically and a lot of buried emotions have surfaced. My own health has not been great, and I live with constant nausea and pain for  months. I have been out of work due to health for 9 weeks now, without pay and without health insurance. My brain is overloaded with doubt, fear, insecurity again, only on overdrive.

My sin is in putting myself before all: “what abut me?” Focusing on myself, not God. My sin is putting my husband on a pedestal instead of God. Putting others before God: my kids or parents or associates by trying to fit in with them, please them; instead of putting God as my center of my life, as my all. My sin is allowing these feelings to creep in, in giving Satan a foot hold. Praise God that Joyce Meyer and Pastor Prince are doing themes covering fear. My Christian e-mails are also themed to fear, so I am on knees praying and begging God for relief for this unfounded fear. I am now fine during the day, nights are still an issue, especially 2 am.

Forgiving is a decision I make, the healing is a gift of God, is done by God. Keep doing the right thing to forgive, do not let Satan wiggle in by not obeying God and showing love. Keep forgiving and God will heal. Galatians 6:9 keep doing and in due season God will heal.

I learned I need to focus on God fully instead of my husband and my life. God as my all, and He will take the burden and sin and fear and bring peace and love to my life. Lay it down.

Joyce Meyers talked of 7 common fears. Fear torments, this I know!!!!

1 – Fear I am not pleasing to God. Roman 8:15 I am adopted via Holy Spirit by God on purpose, He chose ME! No spirit of fear. John 6:28-29 What would it take to please God? Jesus says: Believe in Him and rely on His messenger. Thru Jesus, our only right standing with God, He died for ME, so we could have an intimate relationship with Him, personal, love, in love with God/Jesus/HS. Right believing produces right behaviour – not visaversa. Justified by faith NOT works. God will never love you anymore that He does at this moment. Focus on Jesus not on my problems, Jesus knows we want to change, Jesus will solve my problems, by joyful. Galatians 2:16 Jesus is our justification, not our works, by faith. Love God and your behaviour will follow. Matthew 3:17 Jesus pleases His Dad God, Jesus is in me, I please God. Daniel 29:3. Daniel 10:19 Greatly beloved, Fear NOT. John says he is the beloved of Jesus, “I am the disciple Jesus loves.”David says “I am the beloved of God.” I am a new creature of Christ, the old is forgotten, I am new.

2- Fear I won’t get what I want. John 21:15 Peter do you love me? Feed my sheep. said 3 times. John 21:18 Mature Christian, you will be girdled and carried off where you do not want to go. God will not give us our dream, until I am willing to give it up.  I must learn to be happy with just God before I can get my dream. God first, do not tie up my joy in anyone or anything but God. You are much more than what you do, do not get your who tied up with your do. Only who we are is Christ gives us any worth or value. Father YOUR will be done, not mine. I surrender all. Mark 8:34 Take up your cross and follow Him. His Will be done.

3 – Fear of bad news and trouble. Psalm 112:7-8 do not be afraid of bad news. Psalm 46:1-3 God is my refuse and strength, God is with me, I am beloved. Psalm 27:13-14 We have no life without Christ, what what would become of me? Fear is bad. Wait, hope, expect, brave, enduring, fear not. Declare the truth out of my mouth daily on arising and all day. Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who is my strength.

4 – Fear of failure. Keeps us in tiny lives, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, not keeping up, chosen last. In a deepest forest hidden on the backside of a rock the tiny flowers are just as beautiful, the last are small are beautiful and important to God. Every team member equally important, first and last, God notices! He favors the last, you and I are alive just for His pleasure. God did not make us for others to value and admire, He made me to admire Him. Please Him. God chose me. Ephesians 1:4 God picked me our for His own, in Christ, before creation was made. John 15:16 God chose me and planted me and appointed me and bearing fruit. We are all equal in Christ, all one in Christ.

5 – Fear of change. Progress requires change. The world is changing, whether we like it or not.


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