My idol…myself…. Modern idolatry hit home. -BB

Oh boy, feeling very alone in this pen I have created for myself. I tend to exaggerate things a bit, so I have probably blown out of proportions what is going on. A friend of my husbands suggested my husband had had an affair, this was on the heels of the friend having gotten caught by his girlfriend and dumped. My first husband had had numerous affairs, my father as well. I confronted my husband, after 3 months of trying to figure it out on my own, and he was angry and said I should know he wouldn’t do such a thing. I dropped it, but Satan kept whispering in my ear and I couldn’t let it go. This is just so familiar to the treatment I got from my first husband before he confessed he had lots of affairs. People are always telling me how happy my husband is, how he loves me… Today he exploded and took off to spend time with one of his sons and friends. Tomorrow he is off to see his daughter and friends.
I am supposed to stay home and rest, I have been sick, but I don’t know how to relax, so I have been in the kitchen making his favorites.
Relaxing is not my issue, nor is feeling ill. My issue is plaguing my husband with my insecurities and doubts and fears and jealousy. Men hate that. I can’t stand me anymore! I thought I had a handle on it all, but then night hits and somewhere around 2 to 3 am my mind is in full blown insecurity. “He is rejecting me, he doesn’t want sex as often as I do. Why does he get mad if I ask who texts? Is he hiding something? Why is he friends with all his former girls he dated? He used to buy me cards and flowers and gifts. He used to bring me proudly all over, to his friends places. He isn’t into going to my grandkids parties, yet he wants to go to his friends grandkids parties….” Silliness, yes, but it all piles up and becomes a major stumbling block. This week I heard several good talks on selfishness and putting self before God and others, this is idolatry. I am guilty!!!
It isn’t bad enough it has been just over a year since his son died, but I am piling up my own issues on top of it. I can’t even apologize anymore, why should he believe me? I am upset and my mind in overdrive wondering why me? Poor poor pitiful me. Dear God, PLEASE help me!!!!!! I have to change, I can’t! I just can’t do it! Dear God, you are my only hope, please change me. I cannot lose another husband. I can’t go on hurting this good man. Satan is so cunning, he whispers, perhaps if you weren’t around to bother him. I feel horrible for writing that, but I am just full of evil and I want it gone. I want to help other women,but I can’t if I am so stuck here. I don’t know, perhaps that is Satan whispering negative emotions. I have given him too much priority in my life.
I keep laying it all down at the foot of the cross, but as you can see, I am an expert at taking back, carrying a huge load and letting the stench permeate my every part of my life soul and body.
I have completed a bible course, read the entire bible, and have been sort of taking online courses to learn Christ, Bible, and Ministry. I continue my career as a nurse, time off right now to feel better, and praying what direction God wants me to go.
I realize I still struggle with liking my self. I do not know what love is, I get it all mixed up with sex…sex=love, not wanting to have sex=rejection. Yup I come from a background of generations of child abuse in many forms. So trust in God is yet another issue, as well as trust in another human. I am intelligent, my college GPA was 3.4; but i feel incredibly inept and stupid, no common sense, pond scum. I look in the mirror and see what my mom told me, she was kind enough to point out my ugly features, my fat body, my clumsiness, and many other faults. I know, yes I know where this comes from, her childhood of being molested and abused verbally, emotionally, and physically by her stepfather. I know my father was also badly abused and carries the mental scars as well from his mothers rejection, humiliation, naked beating on his genitals, molestation by males. My parents were angry angry people. I was angry, but I went out of my way to protect my youngest sister and brother and mostly my own children from molestation and abuse. I late learned because I spoke of it and also of my first husbands behavior, I scarred my children. The heard about it and it affected them, even though they did not physically feel it. Yup…ding ding ding… add feeling guilty about being a bad mom to the heap. Oh yes, Satan has a fertile play ground. To top it I am trying to make my first pound cake and it is horrible!!!!!! I am a grandmother, why can’t I cook?????? That is one thing my first husband was good about, he loved everything I made and ate like I was a grand chef. My mom tells my husband I am a great cook. I don’t know, I just can’t do it anymore. I feel like a complete failure anymore. I can’t get how to be a wife, I push away husbands, my kids, his kids, grandkids, friends….
Yet God is probably …no God IS trying to mold me and teach me. Give it to Him, let it go, trust God, pray on my issues, let go, LET GO!!! Stop trying so hard. Be myself.
Be myself? I have been working at changing her since my first husband announced after 30+ years that he was in love with “Ann, but you’ll be OK with that right?” He left and I vowed not to lose another husband. I found a good man, a christian man whose ex put him through the ringer and he vowed, after many years of bachelorhood and crazy women, not to marry until he found the perfect woman. My husband is a good man. I am lucky. Now, if I can just get my head out of the dark past and focus on where I am and my future and God, I will do fine.
Can I actually learn ministry and be effective in helping others? Will I let God change me completely? Can I stop getting in my own way? Can I let go and let God? Can I be what God destined me to be? Can I stop making the easy so difficult? I understand why the Isrealites took 40 years, they were darn fools, like myself.


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