Am I a Sinner or a Saint? -BB

I am feeling particularly alone right now. I began this whole blog after my stepson died 15 weeks ago to have an outlet for my feelings so I wouldn’t overwhelm my already distraught husband. Instead of blogging feelings I realized someone may trip across this and actually read it all and I felt I should help others as wives. I was doing OK, and I felt God’s hand in this. Then I stopped. I felt things were not at a point to blog. After all that blogging about prayer and complete trust in God; here I sit all alone in tears. Am I sinning because I am not laying down my burdens at the foot of the cross? Or have I been a saint for laying it all down, but not discussing my increasingly lonliness because I can’t go to my husband, and I don’t want others to know our business? I feel just low right now. I know Satan is in glory at that. Today I lost a job through no fault of my own. My daughter had her 3rd miscarriage (since June) a few days ago. Another daughter told me to @#%#@ leave her alone a couple weeks ago, I am not sure when I will be able to see my precious grandson again. A family member is in serious legal trouble. Who can I turn to? I have been laying it down and laying it down. Today I am tired, I have been fighting an illness for over a week and my head hurts, my lungs hurt from coughing. My husband had to take care of an urgent matter (again) with another of his sons. I am just miserable! I miss my stepson terribly and am sick with worry about another son.  I am tired of hearing “you don’t understand.” I am tired of being left out of a lot because “I don’t want to repeat myself.” I am feeling him pulling away, then needing me, then pulling away. Being a wife – a good Christian wife is really hard right now. I am tired and confused, so badly needing to talk to someone, but I can’t. Who would understand? I know God hears and answers, I don’t doubt God, but I wish He would sit with me right now and hold me so I could feel his arms and talk to me so I could hear His voice. I guess this is my valley. This is the faith and hope part.


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