My dear brothers, take note of this:
Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:19
Sometimes we as women figure things out before our husbands do. But, there are times when wise wives will wait and allow God to reveal things to their husbands instead of trying to tell their husbands what to do or taking over.
I understand how my husband thinks a WHOLE lot better which has made a huge difference. I have let go of many unrealistic expectations. Men do not think or feel or process emotions like women, not even close. Men often think without words. Men use formulas or imagine a scale as they make decisions. It is difficult for men to verbalize things until they have time to think and figure it out and come to decision. Men feel disrespected when pressured into making decisions too quickly.
As God works through me I need to learn to be patient and ask a question casually and leave a lot of time for my husband to think without any pressure. I need to LISTEN when he does speak and pay careful attention to his unique masculine perspective and wisdom and I know that many times God is leading me through his words. I need to patiently wait and don’t try to force my way or force a quick solution. I need to share my feelings and desires and perspective calmly, in a pleasant tone of voice with a friendly expression on my face. I need to ask questions respectfully and softly if I don’t understand. But I try not to ask “why.” That question is disrespectful to many men. I need to be gracious if we don’t do what I had suggested or what I wanted to do. My goal is to seek God’s will first, not my own. I trust God’s sovereignty to lead me through my husband if my husband doesn’t agree with me.
QUESTIONS TO PONDER AND PRAY ABOUT:
- What were some of the disagreements/arguments my husband and I have had lately?
We do not argue, I could, but my husband refuses to allow arguing in our home. In the past few years as we are getting used to our relationship as husband and wife there has been push and pull over a few touchy areas.
- Why did I feel it was necessary to argue?
Out of frustration and not knowing differently and not fully understanding my husband I would get emotionally charged and get loud. I had no grasp of a Christian marriage yet, my husband was, thankfully, years into his walk with Christ and remained calm through a lot.
- How could I have applied this verse (James 1:19) and handled things without an argument?
Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:19 That is how I am learning to live and handle disagreements. By remaining calm I do not lose my handle on rationality, I allow my husband time to process and respond. We both avoid hurt feelings and residual anger and bad memories of a mis-handles situation.
- How can I apply this verse on a daily basis when I start to feel angry?
Stop, stop, stop and remain calm. Hear, see, and understand fully what is happening before responding. Allow everyone around time to also process the situation. If I am calm, they will remain calm and the situation will resolve quicker and for the better.
- Is it possible that I might be making small issues more important than our marriage or my obedience to Christ?
Oh I am sure my feelings become very large and irrational and my way becomes more important than my marriage. I am working hard at reducing how many mole-hills I remake into mountains.
- Do I believe that my sinful behavior (disrespect, yelling, cussing, throwing things, becoming violent, attacking my husband verbally) is justifiable because I believe I am “right” about the small issue and I believe he is “wrong”? Is God more concerned with the little issue or with my sinful attitude?
My sinful behavior is NEVER acceptable, even if I DO happen to be right. How can I expect to be trusted and calm in the big things if the little things get me? God is more concerned with how we act and think under pressure and in the face of adversity. If I remain calm God will handle the situation, small or large. Remaining calm is not easy, but practice and growth go hand in hand. God will never give us more than we can handle, even though it seems like God thinks we can handle more than we think.
- Is it possible that my husband’s idea might just be different, not “wrong”? What if he has valuable wisdom to share with me that I am missing when I get angry quickly and don’t listen? What might I be missing that God wants me to hear?
Yes, this I am learning. This past year has been a year of change for us both. I learned that I need to lay down my past ways of reacting to situations and become a Christian wife or I would turn my husband away from me. I love my husband beyond words and respect him; I just did not understand him or what a Christian wife was. In July I began my studies and literally saved a good marriage from becoming sour wine. I have seen God work miracles in me and in our marriage. Is my husband reacting or changing in the ways or as quickly as I hope? Oh heck no, but I see the beauty of how our marriage is developing and I praise God’s glory as He works on me; and on us. I wish I had realized all this when we first got married, it would have saved me (and Ed) a few years of frustration.
- Is it possible that I am exhausted, hormonal, hungry, in pain or have some other major physical issue that makes things seem a whole lot worse than they really are right now? If so, I need to take care of that first before I unwisely get into any kind of argument!
Of course, women are mysterious creatures. I don’t even understand me some of the time! I found a pattern to some anger and not feeling well, it is a first sign of some form of a flu. I found coffee or tea after 5pm makes me more suspicious and edgy. I sleep badly with caffeine and have night terrors. If I am tired or over worked or stressed, I have to bite my tongue BIG TIME. I am so glad I am beyond the roller coaster of hormones. That was horrible, I was horrible.
All italicized and highlighted and quoted text from: http://peacefulwife.com/2013/07/05/day-5-of-the-respect-dare-slow-to-anger/