Today we went to a small upstarting church about an hour from our home. The Pastors are a husband wife team, who also have started a food pantry and many other much needed services in that area. They are friends of ours. There was a special speaker and I felt compelled to ask her if she had a word for me. She told me I am a good mother and have always done it from my heart with the best intentions. I have a good heart. She also told me to bury the past, I have to let it go it is not doing me good. I know I want to inspect it and understand and analyse it, but I have to let it go. I tend to be very perfectionist, keep a very neat house and want everything just so and organised. I am a perfectionist with my business and books and work as well. She said I will relax more and more over time. She sees a big surprise in my future, it will be a big surprise, but she is blocked from seeing further. She sees a trip for my husband and I to a place we love, money will not be a worry. She says I have saved some people already, and more will be revealed to me, I will find out soon about it. She sees I will have a strong Ministry, she does not see what or if I am linked to a church or group.
I was quite taken aback and needed her words, I have been struggling the past few years as a mother and newly Christian wife, and with my past. I love my kids and step kids. Grown step kids are not easy, the boys are fine, my step daughter was not close to her father already when my husband and I began dating. When we got engaged, she stopped talking to her father all together. I have no part of this, it began before me. I did become the excuse, even though I did not even know them when the trouble began. The boys are dating girls who are angry and not Christian. I am a wife who obeys her husband, and this is not going over well with my husband’s sons’ girlfriends, who are strong women. His daughter is not too happy with me being submissive either.
My children had one year to get used to their father leaving me, him moving in with another woman, me becoming Christian and – after my emotional roller coaster’s final ride – calm, me meeting my current husband, and a year later marrying him. It was whirlwind, and in that time one daughter got married then began their family; and another had a baby and became a solo mom. My single mom daughter needed help, but I realized was tending to lay her responsibilities of motherhood completely on all of us. I needed her to be strong. Be a mother. Be wise with money. Be discerning with baby sitters. Understand this is not the time to party with friends. Her response: “I am like my dad, I want my cake and eat it too.” I had to say ‘no’ to a lot of babysitting, I had to stop giving her money, I had to insist she has her own apartment and not live home. I told her I had my arms out to catch her if she fell, but I will be the one who determines if she is falling. 3 1/2 year later, she is doing ok. I felt like a horrible mother, even though I know I am doing the right thing. My kids need to be strong. I speak God over them, I speak God to them, I do not hit them over the head with God. I whisper. I pray God takes them and shakes them to the point where they humbly and forever ask God into their hearts and homes and lives. My children are all having emotional battles resulting from growing up in a house where yelling and abuse were the norm. Their father was not wise, did not treat their mother well, and was comparing himself all the time to them. “I did it better..” It was so sad to watch their faces fall time and time again. One daughter was told she was the smart one while the other one was the pretty one. How it hurt them. How it hurt me. No matter how I tried I could not undo the biting remarks and the put down as their father told them they were not good enough. I still call him Peter Pan, he refuses to grow up and he continues puts himself before others. I am not an exemplary mother, I tried my best and did what I thought was right. I was so angry all the time. I have repeatedly apologized to my children for this. My parents were very abusive, my goal was to have happy children. The abuse in my childhood ranged from physical, emotional, abandonment, sexual, … so in a way I succeeded in protecting my children from the same range and severity and from physical and sexual abuse. I now realize I spoke of it enough that my children were abused by my talking about it. Now God today is speaking to me through this woman who has her own ministry to lay it down and let it go. I have forgiven but not forgotten. I am not to analyse and keep touching the dead. That is a big task. With God by my side I can do all things!
I was most excited to hear word that I will have a strong ministry. I minister as a nurse, but I feel that God is calling me into another type of ministry. Today’s word from her did not have specifics, just it will be a strong ministry. I hope God uses me to save many souls before I go to my real home in Heaven.
I was glad she said I will relax as time goes on. I am wound pretty tight and it is unnerving to me, my poor husband and family must want to scream at times.
Dear God, if the words she spoke are indeed true to your word, I accept them and desire to do your work and deliver your word. Dear God guide me, give me wisdom in all ways and words. Protect me in my travels. thank you for listening to my desires to serve You. Help me to stay steadfast. Heal my children and step children and all our grandchildren. Make them so miserable in their lives that they turn to You.Place good Christian people in their path to give them Your word and bring them to ask for salvation in You Father God. I love You. Amen and amen!!!!!