I had 24 hours to think, pray and pray and pray. I know every time I ask God for growth that it comes by trial, this is no different. I ask to be peaceful and be a good wife and not to be self centered and selfish. The result is emotions with no basis in the now. My husband is going through a lot, it has only been 10 weeks and 3 days since his son was found dead and it is the Christmas season. I have been doing well, I have been feeling the pain of the loss of my stepson. I have been trying to remain strong and crying in private. I held off grieving and it is hitting me now. I do not want to tell Ed I am crying for his son, I do not want him to feel further saddened. I internalized my grief and now it is coming out and in an unhealthy way. I have to rethink how I think now. I talked my self into blaming my grief on other things. I am sad, I miss my stepson, I trust God, I do not understand why it all had to happen. I am a selfish person, I am human, I need to be Christ like instead. Being a Christian woman is not easy peasy; it is a daily battle of dying to self. Dying to self every morning, dedicating my life to God before my feet hit the floor – or when my knees hit the floor. Is it natural? No! Especially in this current society of Me Me Me I I I. Every nonsecular article says happiness comes from without, the cult of “more.” “If I had…” “If I did…” “If I…” We should ask “Dear God, what can I do for You today” instead. I behaved badly the last day or two and need to stop and stop the frustration and go ahead acting Christ Like. I resolve today, now, to do just this. Amen!.
I met with a girlfriend I feel I can trust, she is levelheaded, we talked for a long time. She was able to help clarify things and listen. It was just good to talk to someone rather than keep bottling things and then getting upset with my husband. After that my husband and I had a good day. I stayed off subjects of kids and money and other couples and news. It was calming and we talked about architecture of old buildings and the history of our city as we toured it.
Dear God, please help me to grow as a Godly wife, help me to walk the path you are setting before me, help me not to stray. Help me to be at peace and be gracious as I grow. Amen!