“Expectations are premeditated resentment.” “To love WITHOUT expectation is to love with “no strings attached.”
“I recommend first read the four part series: http://peacefulwife.com/2013/02/19/expectations.
The way I respond when my husband doesn’t meet my expectations reveals the level of sin in my heart. It shows whether the sinful nature is in control or God’s Spirit is in control. When God’s Spirit is in control, He empowers me to respond to my husband, even if he sins against me with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control.
Take a minute and think about”
- What are your expectations of your husband and marriage? Are any of them toxic?
- He will treat me like when we were dating – fully attentive and interested in what I have to say,
- He will continue touching me in public,
- We will have sex a lot and he respond to me and say things to make me feel sexy, – Toxic
- He will want to protect me in all ways from getting rid of all past stuff to telling others to be nice to me and chastising them when they hurt my feelings,
- He will remember all special days with a gift and dinner and flowers and a card, surprise flowers and cards and little notes,
- He will cuddle me at night,
- I will never feel lonely again, – Toxic
- He will be so happy to have a wife who cherishes his every breath.
- I relearned how to keep house and rub his back every night so why won’t he do these things for me.
- spend more time with me emotionally, spiritually and verbally connecting
- be romantic by my definition
- do some things on my timetable ( which usually means, right now) -Toxic
- make me feel loved – Toxic
- be responsible for my happiness. If I am not happy, it is his duty to fix my unhappiness. – Toxic
- smile all the time
- hug me if I am in a sad mood
- accept my children and want to be around them more
- initiate prayer with me and pray out loud with me at night
- make me his first human priority after God
- never sin against me
- tell me he loves me every day, several times a day
- think, feel, process emotions and make decisions like I do (to be more like me emotionally, mentally and spiritually)
- have the same priorities I do – Toxic
- need love just like I do – have the same needs I have – Toxic
- appreciate anything I do for him the way I would appreciate it
2. How do you respond when your expectations are not met?
- I get very hurt and upset, I cry and try to tell him what is wrong and he thinks I have lost my mind and wants to escape
- I try harder to make him love me so he will want to fulfill my expectations,
- I blame myself for being an inadequate wife,
- I then think he doesn’t love me because of my actions and I try harder.
- I alternate between clinging to him more and to letting him have his space, at times letting him really know I am letting him have his space.
- I act as I have been taught by my parents and their toxic marriage
- I compare myself to other women I think are more desirable and copy those traits
- I respond at times from fear based upon my first marriage which was toxic
3. What idols and sin is God revealing here that He wants to deal with and remove from your heart?
- I am putting no faith in God, I do not understand maturity and Christian wife and pure faith in God
- I am thinking Ed will love me more if I acted like someone else, whom he may have already rejected, and I am not allowing him to get to know me, a sin. I am saying God did not make me good enough, even though I am the woman Ed chose to marry and he tells me I am everything he could ever want in a wife.
- I create a vicious circle that if not stopped will spiral out of control and destroy God’s plan for our lives and our life as one
- I am allowing Satan to come between us and divide us
- I am allowing Satan to come to me and give me the spirit of fear and doubt
- I am not allowing him and I to grow and change in a mature manner as is God’s plan
- I may be hindering God’s plan for ministry for either one of us or as a team
- I am making it impossible for my husband to relax and enjoy my presence
- I am taking control away from God, doubting His plan is better than mine
- I am being totally unreasonable and shutting my mind off from God working to change me and improve me
- I am turning my husband off sexually, I am not desirable and not being Godly submissive wife
- I am not valuing myself and saying God made an error when He made me
- I am quick tempered and lack of self control is a sin
- I make snap judgments and jump to conclusions, also sins
- I am not at all the wife described in the Bible as a Godly good virtuous wife (see Understanding our role)
- I doubt God’s plan when He made my husband and I one.
Lets be real, I probably have more expectations, some big and some very tiny; but Ed and I are two separate persons. Ed is a man and thinks very differently than I do, I am not quiet sure we could understand it if we tried to explain to each other how we think. Women are more verbal and men more action oriented. My husband can tend to do the opposite of what I desire when I start pushing him. I expect more, while Ed just wants simple and peaceful. The age old qualm: women are like this and men are completely bafflingly different. God addressed that in the Bible, asking women to submit to their husbands; and husbands to cherish their wives as Christ does the Church. We both have a way to go, but I need to focus on my role and self improvement as a wife in God’s terms and as a cherished child of God. I need to learn to love myself and understand my role on earth.
“Now, we are going to lay these expectations of our husbands down at the feet of Jesus. We are going to let go of them. Please do NOT share your expectation list with your husband. In fact, you may want to shred it, burn it (safely), bury it or destroy it in some way.
Another way of saying that we aren’t going to hold our expectations over our husbands anymore is this:
I accept my husband as he is right now. I am not going to try to change him. I am not God. Only God can change people. From this moment on, I will accept my husband for the man that he is.”
2. I would like you to write down some expectations you have for yourself to grow spiritually in the next few months
- I desire to read the entire Bible
- I desire to grow in Jesus and to understand He loves me as I am
- I desire to be the best wife
- I desire to become a calm person
- I desire to trust fully in my husband
- I desire to get my emotions in check
- I desire to resolve my childhood, or at least understand or put behind me the abuse I suffered
- I desire to put behind me the abuse of my past marriage
- I desire to forgive myself for my part in ruining my first marriage
- I desire to understand the Ministry God has for me
- I desire to love myself
- I desire to be patient
- I desire to grow in wisdom
- I desire strength to remain steady on my walk with God, especially as He changes and refines me
- I desire serenity
- I desire to understand God’s word and how to apply it
- I desire to rid myself of evil qualities: vices such as jealousy, insecurity, doubt, fear
- I desire understanding of marriage
- I desire Ed and I grow closer together on our path to God
- I desire a Godly marriage
- I desire closeness in all our family: kids, step-kids an us
- I desire to pray more
- I desire to rely and lean on God more
- I desire more faith
- I desire peace
- I desire to stop arguing and complaining
- I desire to have a thankful heart
- stop criticizing my husband and being negative
- I desire to use my words to build my husband up, encourage and affirm him
- I desire to see my sin the way God and deeply mourn over it with godly sorrow that leads to true repentance
- I desire to be full of God’s joy
- I desire to forgive others – especially my husband
- I desire to tear down any idols in my heart and soul
- I desire to repent of all the bitterness and resentment that is poisoning me
- I desire to let go of trying to control others
- I desire to trust God
- I desire to understand more about God’s sovereignty
- I desire to live by faith
- I desire to have a gentle and peaceful spirit
- I desire to not worry or be afraid anymore
- I desire to surrender completely to Jesus as Lord
- I desire to die to self
- I desire to embrace godly femininity – God’s definition of femininity and what is beautiful
- I desire to experience God’s supernatural peace
- I desire to bless my husband and be a blessing to him
- I desire to understand what is disrespectful to my husband so I can stop those things that hurt him
- I desire to apologize to my husband for my disrespect
- I desire to forgive myself
- I desire to experience God’s grace and mercy
- be willing to give up everything to follow Jesus (contentment in Christ alone)
- I desire to live for His will and His glory alone – as a living sacrifice
- I desire to see with God’s eyes
Dear God change ME! 🙂
I am responsible for me. I am not responsible for my husband. must allow God full and total access to the darkest corners of my soul and allow Him to change anything in me that He desires to.
I must humble myself before God – seeking His wisdom, His will and His glory!
My power is not in focusing on what my husband should do or could do to be a better husband.
My power is in focusing on what God wants to do in MY heart!
Dear God, please bring peace and understanding to us, as husband and wife. Help us to grow to become what You desire of us, help us to be more like You, help our marriage to emulate your original plan of marriage, that we become one in You. Amen