There are various levels of broken and when I think I have hit bottom, I found a new level, or a sideways move of broken. Everyone us broken in different ways, different kinds, what one can see as OK another person may feel is too much to crawl out of. I broke as a child through an abusive family that involved a lot of psychological, physical, emotional and sexual abuse. At 18 months there was a fire that burned my sister causing me to live with various persons for months, abandoned by my parents and all my siblings, I didn’t know why. I learned to adapt to the different living situations by becoming the invisible child, the good child, the acceptable child to keep the peace. I became an actress chameleon, changing personalities or ways I behaved according to the family I was staying with. I did not get the chance of becoming a whole person, my own person, someone I could cherish and love. Add to that decades in a failed marriage with an emotionally depleted husband who was only capable of loving himself. I carried deep anger and the need to blame someone, anyone for my pain. Someone needed to fix me, someone needed to see I was in such pain, someone should be sorry for what was done to me. How broken is broken? I instead allowed further abuse and blamed myself and became more confused and angry. I talked myself into believing I deserved all the bad that happened to me. After I divorced my ex-husband at 50 years old, I began to hand my life over to God, well, hand over would be a lie. I began my struggle to give God my life. I would give it all over, lay it all at the foot of the cross, then take it back, then lay it again at the foot of the cross, the doubt God could do better and retake it back. It was a tug of war and the only participants were me and me. God lovingly waited for me to surrender, although He was working on me the whole time. In the last nearly 5 years I still struggle with handling over, with anger, with resentment, with self love; but I am learning and leaning more on God. Funny, when I completely depend on God my life is more peaceful, not easier, but more peaceful and the bad is not able to affect me as much. I am still broken, but God is working on it all. Chiseling away the bad parts, the rough edges; and presenting me with opportunities that actually further break me. I am learning to relish some of the breaking, because I know God is actually refining me and the outcome will be good. The lessons can be simple or very hard; I am learning to lean on God in good and bad: from the coming of a new grandchild to losing my job to the death of my stepson. God has blessed me with a Godly husband, and after nearly 4 years of marriage I am more in love with him that the day we met.
My husband broke through a severely abusive childhood, severed relationships with family, divorce, and a series of bad relationships before we met. This was compounded by the death of his mother and favorite brother and most recently his son. As hard as all this is, he leans on God as the only way to get through it all, it has not been easy and I have watched him suffer deeply losing his son. He does not at all understand why God took his son, but he also knows that without God he could not go on. I applaud his strength; I am blessed to have such a Godly man as my teacher, my mentor, my earthly king. He brings out the best in my desire to be a good Biblical wife to honor him, as he honors God.
How much can one person bear? God never gives us more than we can handle. Even the most broken of us is repairable to our fullest glory through God.